We need some laughs here !!!

[desertman]

A drunk man who smelled like a brewery got on the subway one morning and sat down next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, he had lipstick all over his face and neck, and a bottle of whiskey was hanging out of his coat pocket. He opened his paper and started reading it.
After awhile he turned to the priest and asked "Say Father what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied "my son it is caused by loose living,being with cheap, wild, women, excess drinking, sleeping with prostitutes, and a lack of bathing.
The drunk muttered in responce "Well, I'll be darned" and went back to his paper.
The priest having a ghange of heart, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered "Oh I don't have it. Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Don't engage your mouth when your mind is not clear about the subject.

[ducksterman]

Don't look at this as political...just funny

This is an old video with President Reagan in the front row sitting alongside of Speaker of the House, Tip O'Neil, enjoying an evening together at the Ford theater. A very funny act takes place on stage..

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=n6mbW-jMtrY&feature=player_detailpage

[Uncle Jesse]

NO Speak English

A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily in his home town.The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)






What were you Thinking?

Her husband speaks English .... hellooo!

I worry about you Sometimes!

[farleycat]

A blonde, a Ford truck and a mattress - a true story. A blonde woman ran over a mattress on the highway, and decided not to worry, and kept on driving. It caught on the undercarriage of her Ford. The ensuing jumble finally whipped around enough to tear a hole in the fuel tank. The Subsequent Lack Of Fuel Is What Finally Brought Her Vehicle To Its Knees. She Had Still Managed To Drive 30 More Miles With A 60-Pound Tangle of Stuff Wrapped Around Her Drive Shaft. She Had it Towed To Her Ford Dealership And Complained That The Vehicle Had A "Sort Of Shimmy" When She Was Driving At High Speeds. Below Are The Photos Of What They Found At Her Ford Dealership. The Last Photo Is By Far The Best. "Sort Of A Shimmy" -- I'll Bet It Did. Is This Just The Best Blonde Story Or What? The Ford Mechanics Still Can't Believe Their Eyes, And Are Still Wondering....!

[TomS]

Can't see the images

[Uncle Jesse]

Not my story but I had heard it before.

Mattress on drive shaft 1.jpgMattress on drive shaft 2.jpgMattress on drive shaft 3.jpg

[EdD]

I eagerly await Hans Weilenmann's The Shimmy pattern, perhaps with YouTube video.

[TomS]

Thank you UJ

[Old #art]

Red Skelton's "take" on marriage ---

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good
food, and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I go on Wednesdays
and Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and
mine is in Tennessee.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are
too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where’s the car. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The
driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".

"And May God Bless"

[Corvus]

We had a radioman named Darling aboard ship... To avoid the obvious we called him "Sweets".....