We need some laughs here !!!

[EdD]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6".

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

A woman will go back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.

You never realize what a good friend you have until he stands up to take a shot from a Swamp Witch for you...

Ed

[EdD]

A friend sent this to me...

A Redneck Thanksgiving
...You Might Be A Redneck If:
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
---


After a bit of thought, sent this back to him.

- If, as a child, you wondered if the Feds let Santa Claus deliver guns and ammo.
- If, as an adult, you wondered if the Feds let Santa Claus deliver guns and ammo.
- You have ever wondered why the Pilgrims didn't serve okra at the first Thanksgiving.
- You know the correct etiquette for spitting out shot at the dinner table.
- You wash and save the plastic flatware retrieved from Wendy's.
- Your holiday crystal is a collection from Arby's.
- Macaroni and cheese is a vegetable at your Thanksgiving dinner.
- You cage your 'possum and feed it sweet potatoes for a week or two before dinner.
- You know that 'possum drippings actually do NOT make good gravy.
- Your holiday napkins are from the Bounty collection.
- You are evasive as to the contents of your Granny's (in)famous Holiday Hash.
- You know which of the following are "white meat": 'possum, raccoon, skunk, groundhog, rattlesnake.
- You've ever appeared on the "PeopleofWalMart" website.

[Uncle Jesse]

Your friend is obviously some yankee city boy or he would have known ketchup is never the only condiment on the table, there is always Tabasco.

Before Jeff Foxworthy, who grew up in the suburbs of Atlanta, attended Georgia Tech and work in the IBM mainframe maintenance group and only had a passing acquaintence to working folks, came along and further popularized the "You might be a Redneck" there was Jerry who grew up at Route 4 Liberty, MS and was well acquainted with the working class. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLnAZtdnZWU

[bikebum]

Jesse, I grew up listening to Jerry Clower. He did some really great stuff

[Gigmaster]

Well, I qualify for about half of them. And who said possum drippings don't make good gravy? You just have to make stuffing to go with it.....

I have an addendum or two:

If you know the proper way to prepare snakeheads, carp, and nutria.........
If you can go by a drainage ditch, and know how many crawfish it could support....
If you can drive by a rice field, and know how much gravy it would take to cover it....
If the recipe to your favorite desert contains the words, "deep-fried fat"....

A friend sent this to me...

A Redneck Thanksgiving
...You Might Be A Redneck If:
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
---


After a bit of thought, sent this back to him.

- If, as a child, you wondered if the Feds let Santa Claus deliver guns and ammo.
- If, as an adult, you wondered if the Feds let Santa Claus deliver guns and ammo.
- You have ever wondered why the Pilgrims didn't server okra at the first Thanksgiving.
- You know the correct etiquette for spitting out shot at the dinner table.
- You wash and save the plastic flatware retrieved from Wendy's.
- Your holiday crystal is a collection from Arby's.
- Macaroni and cheese is a vegetable at your Thanksgiving dinner.
- You cage your 'possum and feed it sweet potatoes for a week or two before dinner.
- You know that 'possum drippings actually do NOT make good gravy.
- Your holiday napkins are from the Bounty collection.
- You are evasive as to the contents of your Granny's (in)famous Holiday Hash.
- You know which of the following are "white meat": 'possum, raccoon, skunk, groundhog, rattlesnake.
- You've ever appeared on the "PeopleofWalMart" website.

[Uncle Jesse]

This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!" "

That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

[Old #art]

Awwwww, man---I'm still groaning on that one.

[MSD53X]

Thanks Uncle Jessie;

That helped my day !!!!!!

[Uncle Jesse]

You should really be over sixty to even be allowed to read this story. If you're not, just save it and read it again when you are old enough to appreciate it...

A rather elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is a fine-looking lady .

The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

[EdD]

You should really be over sixty to even be allowed to read this story. If you're not, just save it and read it again when you are old enough to appreciate it...

A rather elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is a fine-looking lady .

The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

To which the lady replied, "Yes Dad, you do."