We need some laughs here !!!

[Old #art]

Subject: Blonde at the Casino

An attractive blond from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blonds are dumb, ..... but all men...
are men!



Global Facts About = Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.


You hang in there, sunshine!

[Uncle Jesse]

A few Irish jokes in honor of the occasion. I had the thought if St. Patrick could run the snake out of Ireland, maybe we should pray for him to show up in Washington D.C.

================================================== ================================================== =============

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

[jimsnarocks]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'


The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.


Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....


'Go get your Mother'

[Uncle Jesse]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God, ' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs , such as her limbs , eyes , ears , etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point, ' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic, ' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story?

[rayhill190]

Thanks Jesse,it's good to laugh.Ray

[Marco]

And speakin of the Irish:
Paddy walks into his favorite Pub and orders " 15 shots of Middletons Finest Irish Whiskey" and proceeds to "throw em back" one after another. Bartender, seeing this, cautions" you'd best be slowin that drinkin a bit". Paddy, about , to down his 14th shot replies " you'd be drinkin them that fast too if YOU had what I have". " Well what is it you have Paddy?"........................................... .................................................. ....................."One dollar"

[MikieFinn]

Why did the chicken cross the road?


SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road. Or, the chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting?! In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2011. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[kbproctor]

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

‘I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people’.

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

‘I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician’. ‘In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession’.


Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

[Uncle Jesse]

Alcohol Labels -- Just Like Cigarette Labels

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell Happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering When you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
Retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over And over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers Are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
Converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
Tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
Laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your *** kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel
Gode.

[jimsnarocks]

Hey Lady, did you lose a cat?




I told you to be quiet!