Kids and Punishment

[zimrx17]

As a younger parent (I have 2 daughters) I have read with interest at times when people discuss how their parents raised them (this goes along with the great topic of good old days). I am 30 and received a couple of spankings, (the worst was with the belt, ouch). But did this make me the person I am, or did it make me behave or follow the rules? This is a tough question because it has so many different variables. My parents loved me, I knew this at all times. I wanted to behave not because I would get a spanking, but because I would have fun with them. If I was acting up or doing something that was unacceptible I was told to stop, and usually did because I knew if I didn't their mood would be sour and any chance of fun (playing ball in the yard, fishing, going to my grandparents farm, etc...) would be lost. They instilled in me their values not necessarily with a belt, but by modeling the "right" behavior. My wife and I try to do this at all times, by picking up trash when we see it, talking about others with respect, being respectful to elders, and the life lessons that you want your children to have. You can't beat this into them, if you tell your child to stop f***ing cussing, then how do you justify it? So my question is was it the spanking, or was it the love really that made you who you were? If your dad used to wail on you, even though you may not steal do you refer to him as that "mean ole sob"?
Oh I am not anti-spanking either, but I use that as a last resort, spanking is not discipline it is punishment. Discipline is walking the walk, meaning doing what your are supposed to even when your parents, children aren't watching. I have seen too many friends who used to get wailed on, who were the ones that ended up in trouble, some in jail.
So conclusion to this long ramble, do you really think the physical (beating, spanking, whatever) made you a responsible citizen, or was it just the fact your parents cared?
Drew
I would like a 2 page written assignment in 12 font emailed to me, grades will be given for spelling and grammer.

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A bum-legged old man and a drunk. That's all you got?
That's WHAT I got.

[fcch]

Zim,

I have seen too many friends who used to get wailed on, who were the ones that ended up in trouble, some in jail.

The maybe lucky ones end up in jail, ... the less "lucky" in my circles ended up dead

I can't answer your question directly, ... 'cause the "real" reason that parents did (do) what they do can differ. IMHO if it's "gratuitous" violence, ... I'm not sure it works out well for anyone.

I like your statement:

They instilled in me their values not necessarily with a belt, but by modeling the "right" behavior.

I'm a new parent and the first time I met juniour, he walked in the front door! (he was already 12 years old).

(again) IMHO, ... teaching or leading by example is pretty hard to beat. Respect, dignity, self discipline and self control, ... all values to maintain front and center.

My 0.02$ anyway ...

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Christopher Chin, Jonquiere Quebec
[url=http://pages.videotron.com/fcch/:23bc9]Fishing the Ste-Marguerite[/url:23bc9]




[This message has been edited by fcch (edited 19 August 2005).]

[ducksterman]

Zim,
I've started this post before and cleared because I'm not sure I can get it into the proper words.
My wife and I have raised 6 children successfully so we must have done something right.
Some of it is luck and I'd like to think that a lot is because of us.
I did spank and frankly in reminiscing now with our kids they seem to be "proud" of the fact we did....never in anger...always explained and what we laugh about now is how I would have them pick their own "weapon".

However, it was not the spanking per se that made the success...an incredible amount of things were involved.
My main approach was for me to use common sense . I resisted the psychology that was coming in vogue back then.

Now, how did we get on this subject....watch out for the godfather![G]
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Respect Your Elders!



[This message has been edited by ducksterman (edited 19 August 2005).]

zimrx17;
Ducksterman is on target, (I'm still pondering over fcch.) we're not that far apart in age and back then I was raised with values that sometimes had to be adminstered with a strong hand (like the time I burnt down my grand mothers strawberry patch!!). My mom and dad raised 5 kids that are all doing ok today.
Love had a lot to do with it!

[William Fitzgerald]

One of my boys said he was going to leave home so dad got his backpack an started to pack for his trip. "Wait he said I'm not leaving before supper" I raised 5,two boys and 3 girls and a little show of who's boss didn't hurt. I also told them that I hope I live long enought to see them raise children . They did with good results,six are now good students in college.

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Bill

[zimrx17]

Bill, I like how you said you have to show them who's boss. I guess thats in a way what I was trying to say, but how do you show that? Like it has been said, sometimes a spanking is necessary, sometimes pain is the only thing that can get through. We were all little and remember that sometimes it just didn't matter we were going to keep doing whatever it was, until someone forced us to stop, its about limits. With me and spanking it is a last resort like I said. If you use it too often it loses it's meaning, so it has to mean something when you say, "Stop or you will get a spanking". I still know my dad is boss, and even when he is 100 years old, he will still be able to take me down a notch. My older brother is the same way, when I was 10 or so I punched him as hard as I could right in the jaw, he proceded to look at me, and hit me in the stomach, I couldn't breath for 10 minutes, and went into the bathroom and cried. Even now he is one of the only people I would not tangle with, just from that one experience. But with both I always knew we were tight, we didn't say it often, but I think we all would walk through fire for each other.
Drew

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A bum-legged old man and a drunk. That's all you got?
That's WHAT I got.

[Marco]

Wow, THAT subject again. So many variables. So many possible answers.There is absolutely NO possibility that what worked in one case will work in another. My parents RULED. They did however realize that their influence in my life was limited. Neighborhoods, schools etc had a much greater tendency in those important shaping years to shape me into the person they hoped I would become.If we lived in a gang infested neighborhood what would my chances have been to be unaffected? If they sent me to schools where the graduating class could not read their diplomas, where would I have gotten my ambition for the future? They laid a very good foundation for me at home.The rod was not spared.The core of my personality is to THEIR credit. They instilled in me the basics of certain values and morals. The rest was up to me. My wife of 38 years and I have raised 3 very successful children.We were by no stretch "rich", but for their sake we lived in neighborhoods we could not afford and we sent them to schools we also could barely afford. Apparently our combination of effort worked.
To hone in on my intended point, if you do the parental basics and put your children into a "proper" environment, your job as parents will be be much smoother.

Mark

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I'd rather be in Wyoming!

[Gringo]

People I have seen who are very strict have all stuffed up as far as their kids are concerned, rebellion, poor esteem etc. They all openly admit now that their strictness was a mistake.

You are right in what you say about discipline by example. The key to me is being CONSISTENT. It is not so much as whether you give them a smack or not, but how consistent you are with your rules and enforcement of them.

How many parents you see going "you do that again and you get a whack!" and nothing happens. makes you want to wack the kids yourself!

I'm not against a smack in extreme cases but don't think I could condone a beating. That is only because you have lost your temper, not for discipline. My kids get talked to like people, we discuss things, and I try to ensure that I have a line of communication open to them for the future, coz I figure that is basically all I can do to try to avoid the pitfalls they are going to face as young adults.

They know their limits though, and after a warning or two and chances to calm down or change their behaviour, a smack has been known to happen. Not too often though.

[Jim Hatch]

Hey Zim,

Is spanking necessary or is caring
enough? Depends on the child. One of the
most important learning experiences for a
child (IMHO) is that THEY are responsible
for their actions. They can learn this at
a very early age and once learned, you and
your wife will enjoy a better quality of
life.*G* It makes the rest of child rearing
much simpler. For some children, a time out
or temporary loss of privileges is sufficient incentive. Perhaps for some,
spanking may be necessary, but it's well
down on my list of options. Equally
important are positive strokes when the
child does well. A hug, pat on the back,
special treat, or whatever works to impress
upon the child that making good decisions is
much more pleasant than making bad ones.
Your child will learn very early the
difference between right and wrong. But the
choice he makes will depend on how well you
teach him this lesson. If you are not
consistent in your teaching or if there is
insufficient incentive one way or the other, your child may make the wrong choices in life when it really counts. It's up to you to set him on the right path and enforce it as needed. Is spanking
necessary? You tell me. It's your kid.
Warm regards, Jim

[gonfishn]

For my son,,I have a last resort punishment that I hate to resort to because it's so cruel as to be almost unbearable.
I go fishing without him.
My daughter on the other hand is crushed if she feels that I am the least bit disappointed in her behavior.So she is a bit more of a challenge to discipline.