We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

Marco, I am afraid our little portly leader with the bad hairdo is a little like the lion below, no one has told him he's not the baddest man in the whole dang town. Glad you enjoyed the joke about the two boys; I like gmac209's link so much I shared it on a couple of other BB. It is good when we can all laugh together, there are so many trying to make like difficult for the rest of the world.

Alion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest ofall jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is themightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal inthe jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who ismightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams himagainst a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been runover by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla andrambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after theelephant, "Look you don't have toget made just because you don’t know the answer!"

[Marco]

but on a "happier note".........

ITALIAN LOGIC

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough. I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large bank accounts. But, the decision is all yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Tony?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

[Uncle Jesse]

Feminine Language


A must-read for all young men.

Keywords and their meanings:

FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH): This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

(SOFT SIGH): Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

OH!: This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT'S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're welcome."

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only say "Nothing."

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

[Marco]

I posted this back in 05' but it may again give you a chuckle:

• Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
  
  The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  
  The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
  
  Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  
  Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
  
  The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  
  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
  
  Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
  
  Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  
  For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  
  Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  
  Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
  
  The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
  
  Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  
  A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  
  At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  
  Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  
  Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  
  Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  
  The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  
  Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
  
  The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  
  This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  
  Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
  
  The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  
  Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  
  The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  
  Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  
  The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
  
  
  
  Mark
  THAT being said, I'd rather be in Wyoming.
  
  Edit Post Reply Reply With Quote
  
  

[Marco]

And another from 05'

"Tenjewberrymuds!"

Just got this e-mail and got a chuckle I thought would be worth sharing,
Read slowly and out loud!

Subject: Tenjewberrymuds

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will
understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the
conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published
in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan
sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin
we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we
bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."

Mark

[Uncle Jesse]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane,energy-efficient kind. Today,I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that thework had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentallychallenged. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told melast year --that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---

It'sbeen a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[ducksterman]

Prayer for Grandpa

Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies on
grandpa's computer. Amen

[Uncle Jesse]

A newlywed couple move to a small town, and on their first day the local pastor pays them a visit.

The pastor says, "We're very pleased to have you in our town, and I'd like to welcome you to my church. But we do have a tradition -- you have to cleanse yourself, mind and body. So you must abstain from sex for one full month."

The couple are surprised, but they really want to be accepted, so they promise the pastor they'll see him in church in four weeks.
Four weeks goes by. Then five. Finally, the pastor stops by the couple's house again. When they come to the door, he asks, "Why haven't I seen you in church

The wife sighs and says, "Well, the first week it was like we were dating again. We'd go out to dinner and made a game of it. The second week, it was a chance to spend thoughtful time together, to talk and focus on our friendship."

Then the husband continues, "The third week, we were taking lots of cold showers and starting to get cranky.

By the fourth week, it was tough, but I thought we were gonna make it... until the very last day, my wife was showing me some photos we'd just had developed, and she dropped one. When she bent over to pick it up, I just snapped, we lost all control of ourselves and had wild, untamed sex right on the floor for an hour."

The pastor is totally embarrassed, and with wide eyes he stammers, "Well, I'm sorry, but I just don't think you're welcome in my church."

The wife nods sadly and replies, "That's okay... we aren't welcome in that Wal-Mart anymore, either."

[ducksterman]

_The Silent Treatment_
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need
his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she
would find it.**
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM and he had missed his flight

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't
wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[Uncle Jesse]

Latex Factory

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"