We need some laughs here !!!

[Old #art]

I think this statement should be put in this forum-
What a sorry football game this super bowl has turned out to be.
Not a fan of either team. I was just hoping for a decent game. Last I saw, the score was Seattle 36 and Denver 0.
Haven't looked at it since the end of the first half.

On the other hand, if you are a Seattle fan, it might be a great game.

George

[Uncle Jesse]

Our nephew posted on facebook, "Someone should give Peyton a Snickers, when he's hungry, he turns in to Eli!"

Personally I was pulling for Denver, but appreciate the fact the Seahawks' defense played lights out. K.J. Wright of Seattle is a recent alum of my alma mater, he played a good game, so I wasn't too upset about the outcome.

[Uncle Jesse]

I know it has been national news how bad driving in snow in Atlanta is, but this really explains the true impact of the problem.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoujW...layer_embedded

[Rick Z]

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; usually humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application where it says, "In case of emergency, Notify:" I put 'DOCTOR".

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer bellly and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to sdydive; you only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[ducksterman]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

[seafoam]

Is that a true story? With all the Scots here in NS I can't believe they'd have to bring a piper in from Oregon.
Seafoam

[Uncle Jesse]

I know the story, it was really Newfoundland.

[seafoam]

Better leave it in NS. If nothing else it would be easier to dig a hole. They don't call Nfld THE ROCK for nothing.
seafoam

[Uncle Jesse]

Better leave it in NS. If nothing else it would be easier to dig a hole. They don't call Nfld THE ROCK for nothing. seafoam

I knew Canadians tell Newfoundlander jokes and couldn't resist.

[Uncle Jesse]

A Cold Winter

Late fall, the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a sh*tload of firewood'