We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

The elderly Chief noticed a new seaman one day and barked at him.?Get over here! ?What is your name?? was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.?Paul.? The new guy replied.The elderly Chief scowled.?Look, I don?t know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they?re teaching sailors in boot camp today, but I don?t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name only ? Smith, Jones, Baker ? That?s all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear???Aye, aye, Chief.??Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name??The new guy sighed and said.?Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief.??Okay????.. Paul,??..here?s what I want you to do.?

[gmac209]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Wisconsin farmer.One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to her,'The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail in the 2 by 4 just above the cow?s stall in the barn.Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail,She tells him, 'This is the one right here.'The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know.How would you know this is the right cow to be bred?''That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder......'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[Uncle Jesse]

A man and his wife check into a hotelThe husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.She lies down on the bed when, suddenly, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once moreAgain a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the managerThe manager says he'll be right up.The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true?Look, lie here on the bed and you'll be thrown right to the floor!?she tells himSo he lies down next to the wifeJust then the husband walks in.?What,? he says, ?are you doing here?!?The manager calmly replies: ?Would you believe I'm waiting for a train??

[ducksterman]

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said "Thank god for that. What are they?"

[Steve Molcsan]

Why was the movie about fly fishing a box office flop?Bad casting.

[Tig]

Therefore practice practice practice. Good one Steve!

[gmac209]

Neighbor: How long have you been drinking? Me: about 30 years. Neighbor: How many beers do you drink each day? Me: Probably six. Neighbor: That's about $3200 per year, $98,000 in 30 years! Me: OK, so? Neighbor: With all that, you could have had a brand new Corvette! Me: Do you drink? Neighbor: No! Me: Where's your Corvette?