We need some laughs here !!!

[jimsnarocks]

OK, You asked for it.

WHY U NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...



I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
6 cans of Spam

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Ms. Right. I looked at the 12 items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

[jimsnarocks]

One more time, truth is sometimes funnier than fiction.

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting
an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote
population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and
true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, they came up
with a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive,
the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the
population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming
Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room
stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you
understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't trying to molest our sheep - they're eatin'
'em!'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.

[Big Bad Wulff]

A little political. Grow a skin!!


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ?Well,? he says, ?I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.?

The Tennessee contractor al so does some measuring and figuring, then says, ?I can do this job for $700: $300 for materi al s, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.?

The Chicago contractor doesn?t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, ?$2,700.?

The official, incredulous, says, ?You didn?t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure??

The Chicago contractor whispers back, ?$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.?

?Done!? replies the government official .

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Unfortunately this is the way of things to come.

[Buddy Sanders]

BBW,

Actually, it's not the way of things to come...

It's the way it's been for almost all of recorded human history.

It's only in the very recent times (historically speaking) that it's even considered a 'bad' thing...we Americans are untypically opposed to corruption....but we can't stop it...even when we try really hard.

Buddy

[MSD53X]

There IS a way to stop it !! We can't spend what we don't have (they can) Soooooo Lets go fishing

[Valhalla 1]

TWWWEEEEEEEET!!! I blow the whistle...posting out of humor bounds! 15 yards!

[Robert Taipala]

Chuck Norris is so tough that when he breaks wind, It stays broken!

[shadesofsisyphus]

Chuck norris's tears are the only thing on earth that can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried...

[MSD53X]

OK lets get back to some humor ( maybe ) No more hijacking OK

Man comes home from work (lives in a sub-division) to find a gorilla in a tree in his back yard.
He thinks what is a gorilla doing in this neihborhood, and in my back yard. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough he finds an animal control contractor. So he calls and the man says that he will be there at 8:00 am sharp the next morning.
Sure enough at 8:00 am the guy pulls up in a van, and the homeowner goes out to greet him,
opens the gate to back yard, the exterminator opens the back doors of the van and unloads, a ladder, a pair of handcuffs, a big ole hound dog ( named Blue ), and a 12 ga shotgun.
So walking across the yard, the homeowner questions, what are your plans for this. The exterminator says. I'm gonna climb that tree, and I'm gonna shake that gorilla off that limb,
when he hits the ground Blue is gonna bite him in the privates, when the gorilla puts his hands down to stop Blue from biting him, you put the handcuffs on him, from then he will go to the van calmly and it will be done.
Now the homeowner asks, I can understand why you have the ladder, the handcuffs, and Blue. But why the shotgun ?
The exterminator answers, thats in case the gorilla shakes me off that limb, YOU SHOOT BLUE !!!!

[Marco]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**




**'No, Daddy.**
&nb sp; **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**





**After a brief pause,**



*Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**



**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**




Brief Pause.



**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**



**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**



**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**


**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**



**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**



**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****



*****Longer Pause*****


*****Even Longer Pause*****



**Then Daddy says,**


**'Swimming pool? ...........**



**Is this 486-5731?'*