We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

Found this on Facebook, I had to share it with all my non-friends.

[Uncle Jesse]

This is a fun and educational video that explains a lot about the difference in the thinking process of men and women.

http://youtu.be/3XjUFYxSxDk

[ducksterman]

A sweet grandmother
Telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me ****."

TRUE STORY

[jimsnarocks]

Found this on Facebook, I had to share it with all my non-friends.

So we're your non-friends? That hurts man. Jim

[Uncle Jesse]

So we're your non-friends? That hurts man. Jim

Jim, Ya'll are my favorite non-friends. I was tempted recently to make everyone my non-friends, but then my wife, who doesn't do computers, would bug me about what the family was up to.

[Uncle Jesse]

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it!

[Uncle Jesse]

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify: 'I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[jimsnarocks]

An average performance

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

[Marco]

I'm told Jesus WILL forgive for this........ A Irish ( of course) man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher... The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk inthe water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?' (Are you ready for this????) The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?

[ducksterman]

A guy goes into the confessional box after being away from the Church for years..He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.


There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the
best vestry wine,


Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby,


and on the wall a
fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.


Finally, he hears a priest come in:



"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".


The priest replies,



"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".