We need some laughs here !!!

[jimsnarocks]

An Irish nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Irish pub.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation on this St.Patty’s Day -- and every once in a
while, 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
... The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now -- how about that drink?"

[gmac209]

Recently, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth . "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.

[jimsnarocks]

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

[Marco]

Male Logic...... Flawless!

This is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which I answered quite simply and she is speechless after answering only one question. I?ll bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there, I?m just saying.








Critical Thinking


At Its Best!





Woman:
Do you drink beer?


Man: Yes





Woman:
How many beers a day?





Man:
Usually about 3





Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?





Man: $5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary !)





Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?





Man:
About 20 years, I suppose





Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year

, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?




Man:
Correct





Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?





Man:
Correct





Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?





Man:
Do you drink beer?





Woman:
No.





Man:
Where's your Ferrari?


I have NO clue why the "elongation" SORRY

=

[Marco]

Anaccounta my tech shortcomings, I couldn't post the link BUT.................. Log on to YouTube and type in "Breathalyzer Fail" in the taskbar.................and click on the video. (the Russian/Serbian dude)


Mark

[Ed_D]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tXREbvXKeA

Is this it?

Ed

[Marco]

Hey Ed,
That is it. I tried to load it to Photobucket and then post it here but.........................nada.

Thank You!
Mark

[waskeyc]

From a humorous website post on whether to keep ketchup in the fridge: How to Cook a Carp.

Make a marinade using two fifths of vodka and one of vermouth. Place a bottle of ketchup near pan. Sear carp in pan, turning until well done. Using a set of tongs wave the carp over the marinade and discard both the carp and ketchup. Drink the marinade.

[Uncle Jesse]

Air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower's land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".

He began his series of questions:

Tower : " How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: The pee in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."

[Uncle Jesse]

The Frank wife

A woman heard a knock on the door and when she opened it, there was a State Trooper standing there. He said, "Mrs. Jones?" She said, "yes."

He asked if she had a picture of her husband and if so could he see it. She said, "Sure," and got the picture of her husband from the bedroom.

He looked at the picture and said, "Sorry, ma'am, but it looks like your husband got hit by a truck."

She said, "I know, but he's got a great personality and is a good provider.'