We need some laughs here !!!

[ol' blue]

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old
grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day!"
He is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
He replied, "President's Day is when the president steps out
of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more
year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose!

[jimsnarocks]

Never irritate a woman who can operate a backhoe...

Enough Said

[Old #art]

Retirement.
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer:6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses to retire?
Answer:NUTS!

Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Or move back in there . . .

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:Normal.

Question:What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:The never ending Coffee Break…spiked !

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he worked with? Answer:He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer:Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

[Goduster]

I think I reasemble that post.

[Uncle Jesse]

There is now conclusive evidence that
Osama Bin Laden is dead.

This week he registered to vote in Chicago !!

[Uncle Jesse]

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.

Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .


A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'

Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'


A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'


Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'

Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'


'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man , for Love to forgive him , and for Patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the h*ll up.'

[Poke 'Em]

One day a princess was walking along a stream when she heard a voice. She looked down, and there sat a frog.

"I may look like a frog," said the frog, "but I'm actually a handsome prince who has been transformed into a frog by a terrible spell."

"How awful!" said the princess.

"The only way to break to spell is to take me home and go to bed with me. When I wake up in morning, I'll be transformed back into a handsome prince," replied the frog.

The princess was a little skeptical, but, after all, this was a talking frog. So she took the frog home and laid him on the bed next to her. When she woke up in the morning, she was startled to see that the frog had indeed changed into a handsome prince!



Now do you believe that story?

Neither did her mother.

[Uncle Jesse]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10- Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: H*rny and Hungry. If he isn’t interested in getting her in bedroom, he interested in getting her into the kitchen.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought:


Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn you’re a** tomorrow.

[PRM]

Penguins
Did you know why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks,until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

[DaveMac]

A crafty old mountain lion used to hang around a ranch looking for stray cattle. One day he saw a bull off by himself and managed to kill it after a mighty battle. The bull was too heavy to drag off, so the mountain lion decided to just eat as much as he could hold. He ate and ate until he just couldn't eat any more. This made him feel really good, so he let out a big roar. That made him feel even better, so he roared again. He kept it up until the rancher came by and shot him.


Moral: When you are full of Bull....Keep your mouth shut