We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

A woman dies after a long illness, and finds herself just outside of heaven, at the pearly gates. As she peers inside, she sees people she knew from her life on earth enjoying themselves, laughing, and looking quite happy. Just then, St Peter comes along, and she asks him:


"Is this heaven? How can I enter the gates?"


St Peter replies: "Yes, this is heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me, and you'll be free to enter."


"What word?," she asks. "Please tell me!"


"Spell LOVE," and you can enter, replied St Peter.


Relieved, she spells the word correctly, and St Peter opens the gates for her.


After she had been in heaven for some time, the woman became quite comfortable and happy, but she still missed her beloved husband who she left on the earth. As an extra way of being of service, she asks to become a helper of St Peter, along with others who greet the newcomers to heaven and usher them through the pearly gates.


Imagine her surprise one day when her husband appeared at the gates.


"Darling! I thought you'd never get here," she says in greeting. "I have missed you so much...tell me, what have you been doing all this time? Was life hard for you after I left?"


Her husband replied: "Well, it's good to see you, too! Yes, I have been quite busy. I was very sorry when you left, but I was quite attracted to that cute nurse who helped you through your last days, and we ended up getting married a few months after your passing. And then - I won the lottery! Can you imagine?


I was able to buy a large mansion, a new car, retired from my job, and my new wife and I traveled the world and we have had a grand life. We were on a vacation in the Greek isles and while I was water-skiing, my ski fell off and hit me in the head...


"...so, here I am! I was sorry to leave her and the earth, but it's really great to see you again. Gee, it looks so nice in there. Is this heaven?"


The woman looked at him, smiled sweetly, and says: "Well, imagine that! I have missed you so much, and hoped that you missed me, too...but, well, I guess life goes on - right?"


"Right!," he said. "So, tell me...how do you like heaven? I never dreamed I'd get here. Is it easy to get in?"


"Oh, yes," she replied. "All you have to do is spell one word"


"Okay!" he said excitedly. "What word?"

"Czechoslovakia..."

[gmac209]

After our exceptional hot summer this year there is a sign in front of the local church.

The Devil called.........

He wants his weather back.


seems the new Minister has a sense of humour.

[Bluegill Budd]

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Little Conner was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on the bottom. And he began to cry. The paramedic asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought of what she had just witnessed. She responded "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again"

[waskeyc]

Once there was a guy named Mac who loved his gin and whiskey so much he stocked up on a bottle a week (sometimes a bottle a day) during all of 1919 as the country faced the countdown to Prohibition.

Years later, when Mac’s supply ran out, he discreetly asked a few friends for a referral and had a few unfortunate disappointments before he found a bootlegger who brought him the smoothest, mellowest moonshine they nicknamed “Mama’s Milk.”


Just when Mac was coming to rely on his new treasure, Mac’s bootlegger gets arrested.


Or was it shot? Yes. He was shot. Dead. No more moonshine for poor Mac.


Instead of moping around, Mac gets an inspiration. He fills a tiny shot glass with a sample of his precious remaining jelly jar of Mama's Milk moonshine and has a courier deliver it to the local pharmacist in a paper bag with a discreet note (wrapped around a $1 bill) requesting all possible tests be done to determine the liquid’s content.


Three weeks later, a thin envelope arrives from the Pharmacy: Your horse has diabetes.

[Marco]

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. They are box seats that include airfare and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name is Kim. She will be the one in the white dress.

[jimsnarocks]

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." ... So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

[jimsnarocks]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his butt, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're kiddin' me, right?"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

[Uncle Jesse]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So theypulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the doorif they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house allto myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid theneighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed,and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyeda great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpectedletter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that itwas from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember thatgood-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to thehouse and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being foundout.
"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'mafraid I did...why do you ask?"
..
"She just died and left me everything."

[Uncle Jesse]

Each Friday night afterwork, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all ofBubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbiddenfrom eating red meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma fromthe grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithfulthat they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visitBubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes andmuch study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him andsaid, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you areCatholic."

Bubba's neighbors weregreatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilledvenison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by theneighbors.

As the priest rushed intoBubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped andwatched in amazement.

There stood Bubba,clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over thegrilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer,but now you are a catfish."

[TyroneFly]

Good one Uncle Jesse.