A slide rule is the one that says that a child must be four feet tall to go down the slide. Actually, I still have mine but I don't remember how to use it.
A slide rule is the one that says that a child must be four feet tall to go down the slide. Actually, I still have mine but I don't remember how to use it.
I can think of few acts more selfish than refusing a vaccination.
Me thinks spring better get her soon so we all can go fishing.
Larry ---sagefisher---
I was under the impression that an expert is a former drip, under pressure.......
(Ex-perts are old perts which have gone a bit soggy...)
I seriously doubt that Uncle Jesse and I are likely to be accused of being "cute" by those who have actually seen us..Originally Posted by herefishy
Ed
One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.
“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.
“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.
“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”
“Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”
“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!
John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
A Norwegian Math Test
This only works for those in Minnna snoda or Viskonsin…don’t cha know!
Ole, a Norwegian fella wants a job, but the foreman doesn’t want to hire him, so he says he won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Without numbers?' The Norwegian says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.
What's this?' the boss asks.
Vot! You got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Norwegian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time represent the number 99.'
The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go!'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'You must be from Iowa …Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go! Von hundred!'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Norwegian winces and shakes his head…UFF-DAH…you must be a Finlander from Iowa…he leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, and dat makes von hundred !!' 'So, ven do I start?
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. Addressing the Harley rider, he says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really.
The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed . I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
" U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!"
And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
Clint
in far west Kentucky
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her
husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the... living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not
all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
A Viking named Rudolph the Red was sitting at his kitchen table looking out the window.
He turned to his wife and said "It's going to rain".
His wife, looking at him askance, replies "It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. Why do you think it's going to rain?"
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear".
It Just Doesn't Matter....
Well, here's another blonde joke:
Know how you can tell when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? When you see M&M shells all over the floor.
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