An older farmer stepped into the farm supply store and the clerk behind the desk asked if he could be of some help. The farmer says, ?Yep ? I need a milking machine.? The clerk asked the fellow how big his dairy herd was to get an idea on how big a machine he would need. The reply was ?Don?t have a herd, only got one cow.? The clerk started to explain that even with the smallest machine he could get it would take him longer to set it up, milk the one cow, empty it and clean it so it could be put up. The farmer said, ?Yep I know that, but I still need one.? OK says the clerk as he filled out the order form. Then he asked out of curiosity why the fellow needed a machine for only one cow. The farmer explained. My brother came in from the city the other day and we got to sitting around talking, smoking cigars and drinking some of that fine whiskey he likes to bring when he visits. Well the next morning when the alarm went off I thought I would die, my head hurt so much. But I knew I had ole bossy to milk so I went out to the barn. I set up the stool and put the bucket under her udder and started milking her like I do every morning. She commenced to swinging her tail and hitting me in the head like she usually does but remember I had a horrible headache. So I grabbed a bit of rope, tied one end to her tail and the other to a sash weight I had and threw that weight over the rafter in the barn to keep her from slapping me up alongside my head. I sat back down and started to milk her again and she kicked over the bucket. The noise liked to kill me, so I got some more of the rope, tied one end to her hind leg and the other to the upright of the stall, and did the same thing to the other leg. About that time my wife walked in and if you can convince her all I was doing was milking that cow, I don?t need no milking machine.