We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

The surface of the earth is 70% water.
None of it is carbonated, thus proving that the earth is flat.

[Uncle Jesse]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing! He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're having a senior moment...make it memorable!

[gmac209]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, and put the paint on top of the bucket. I'll hold the chickens"!

[Uncle Jesse]

Church Ladies With Typewriters

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. ' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back doo


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

[Uncle Jesse]

The Art Of Conversing With Spouse


With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

[Bluegill Budd]

A farmer was driving his truck full of vegetables to the city to sell them. On the way he gets a flat tire. So, he pulls over and gets out his jack and lug wrench and proceeds to change the tire. As he takes off each lug nut, he puts them in the hub cap he took off the wheel. He is almost finished, and a car comes by at a high speed and barely clips the hub cap and sends all the lug nuts flying. He is at a loss as to what he is going to next. From behind the chain link fence, he is parked next to comes a voice. The farmer now sees that he parked right next to an insane asylum. The fellow behind the fence who has been watching the whole affair says ?Just take one lug nut off each of the other wheels and put them on the wheel you just changed. Then you can safely drive on into the city and buy some new lug nuts to replace the ones that you lost. The farmer says ?That?s a great idea. You saved my day.? Then he said to the guy ?You must work in this asylum since you are so smart.? The guy replies ?Nope, I?m patient here.? The farmer asked, ?How can you be in there if you are so smart?? The guy replies ?I?m crazy, not stupid.?.

[Uncle Jesse]

Thirty minutes after take-off the senior flight attendant announced over the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, due to a huge mistake by our catering company we will not have enough inflight meals for all passengers. The catering company only provided up with 40 meals and there are 103 souls on board today. I truly apologize for this error and inconvenience.”

When the passenger muttering died down, she continued. “Any passenger willing to forego their meal so another passenger can eat will be given unlimited free drinks for the remainder of the flight to compensate them for their generosity.

A hour later the flight attendant came back on the intercom and announced. “If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 37 meals available.”

[Uncle Jesse]

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

[Old #art]

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues. I don't even know eight people without issues.

Theme parks can snap a crystal-clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied "you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?" I am now blocked

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers ... if you do find one, what's your plan?

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah let only animals on the boat.

Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask. It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.

Covid-19 Fact: 87% of gym members don't even know their gym is closed.

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they are a drug dealer. There's no other explanation for that type of income.

After a year of this pandemic, I'm either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.

I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite. Apparently you can't do this in Starbucks. And now the cops are here.

Do not vaccinate health care workers first. If it fails, we're all in trouble. Vaccinate the politicians first. If we lose a few of them, it won't matter.

In the 1980's I fell off my bike and skinned my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.

Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky.

Dear Sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, bacon-less years.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster. Mc

I still have a full deck... I just shuffle slower.

[ohiotuber]

George,

THOSE are funny! Obviously, you're well enough to have retained you sense of humor. Good to see you post old Friend!

Mike