Can't remember if I posted this or not.
Two Mafia hit men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says, "I gotta admit I'm really scared out here."
The other replies, “You’re scared? I gotta walk back alone."
Can't remember if I posted this or not.
Two Mafia hit men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says, "I gotta admit I'm really scared out here."
The other replies, “You’re scared? I gotta walk back alone."
Johnny was daydreaming in class when the teacher called on him
“Johnny, if there are five birds on a wire and one gets shot how many are left?”
After thinking for a brief second Johnny responds “zero”
The teacher looks at him inquisitively and states. “Johnny, five minus one is four”
To which Johnny replies “yes but if you shoot one bird the other four would fly off so none would be left”
Teacher: “Well Johnny that’s not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you think”
Johnny: “well teacher you are always asking us questions can I can you one?”
Wondering where this was going the teacher reluctantly agrees.
So Johnny asks: “Three women are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is liking the ice cream, another is nibbling on the end, and finally the last one just shoves the whole thing in her mouth. Which one is married?”
Without giving it much thought the teacher responds. “Well I’d assume the one that just eats it whole”
Johnny smirks “No it’s the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you think!”
Relaxed and now a Full Time Trout Bum, Est. 2024
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an *sshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-*ss decision or that the coach is a sh*thead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
UJ,
I've heard em all.. BUT, credit is due when I run across a CLASSIC. THAT is what describes a "CLASSIC"...... not outside the realm of " this is a TRUE story".
Keep em commin.
Mark
I have one : Picture a scenario where an older gent is kneeling in front of a gravestone with tears rolling down his face lamenting" why did you have to die, life was so wonderful and then...I don't know If I can continue my life.....I may soon put an end to my misery, gone are the good times and the joys I had". A passing couple, seeing and hearing the mournful words asked in reverence " just who is it that passed away.?. " My wife;s first husband"
Mark
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
Why women needs a husband
A Woman goes to a Psychologist and complains: “I don’t want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”
Psychologist replied : “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But some things inevitably will not go the way you want. Some things will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame? Will you blame Yourself?”
Woman: “NO!!!”
Psychologist: “Yes… That’s why you need a Husband!”
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
A priest, and a minister welcome the new pastor in town to join them on their weekly fishing trip.
They drive out to the lake, put the row boat in the water and start having a great morning discussing all sorts of topics, and catching fish.
The priest notices they are getting low on beverages, and the pastor offers to row the boat back to the truck.
"No need", said the priest, and steps out of the boat and walks across the water to refill the cooler and returns.
The pastor can't believe how strong the priests faith is, but nothing is said.
Later the mosquitos start to get annoying, and the minister said he left the bug spray in the truck.
Again the pastor offers to row back, but the minister simply said, "No need" and repeated the act of faith walking across the water and coming back with the bug spray. The pastor can not believe how strong his friends faith are, but nothing is said.
A while later the pastor realizes he left his inhaler in the truck, and the minister offers to row the boat back to the landing for him.
The pastor though feeling his faith is now being tested, said "No need."
The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat and immediately sinks into the cold waters.
The priest looks at the minister and says "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"
Mr. and Mrs Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely.
One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.
“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?”
“I’m marrying a Russet!”
“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”
As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up.
“Mother, I too, have an announcement.”
“And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”
“You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”
“I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter.
“An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and exciting plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.
“Mother? Mother Potato, Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.”
“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her,
“I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”
“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement.
“All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray do tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?”
"I'm marrying Sean Hannity"
"Sean Hannity?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
UJ. That's still funny after all these years. First time I heard it she wanted to marry Howard Cosell. Jim
Howard CosellHoward Cosell
I'm either going to, coming from or thinking about fishing. Jim
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