We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs.

I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home.

Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

[Marco]

EXCELLENT !!!!
A take-off on the one where the Jewish lady was flying her dead poodle back to Israel for burial. The flight crew found the dead dog in the baggage compartment and fearing a HUGE lawsuit went to great pains to procure a live poodle..............the rest is history

Mark

[gmac209]

It's important to use good punctuation, period.
An English Professor wrote the words
"A woman without her man is nothing"

He then asked his students to properly punctuate the statement.

The males in the class all wrote "A woman without her man, is nothing."
The females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

But is it a lost art?

[gmac209]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE
This needs no explanation – and is a fun read, no matter your gender.

Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom, because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress – $5,000 Tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes normally don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache...
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Bob, Dan, Ed and Pat go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, Bird Brain, Idiot and Wild man.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Bob, Dan, Ed and Pat will each throw in $20, even though it's only for 62.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor .... and to the men who will enjoy reading .

[Bluegill Budd]

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barbershop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist church.

The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.

The next morning the man looked in the mirror and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop the day before. "Not bad," he thought, "At least I don't need to get a shave every day."

The next morning the man's face was still smooth! Two weeks later the man was STILL unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.

"I thought $20 was high for a shave," he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back." The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment.

She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."

[Uncle Jesse]

That's a good Baptist joke, been going to a Southern Baptist church since 9 months before I was born. I'll pass it along to my Baptist friends and few Methodist and Catholic, maybe a Jewish friend or two.

[Uncle Jesse]

This is so funny and true. I found this timely, because today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "911."

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, sags or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

May you always have:
Love to share,
Cash to spare,
Tires with air,
And friends who care.

[jimsnarocks]

The blonde lady went to visit her husband in the state prison. After the visit she confronted the warden, wanting to know why her husband was so overworked.
The warden laughed and told her all he does is eat and sleep, never leaves his cell.
"That's not true!" she cried. "He told me he's been digging a tunnel every day, by himself, for four months!"

[rtidd]

A priest, and a minister welcome the new pastor in town to join them on their weekly fishing trip.
They drive out to the lake, put the row boat in the water and start having a great morning discussing all sorts of topics, and catching fish.
The priest notices they are getting low on beverages, and the pastor offers to row the boat back to the truck.
"No need", said the priest, and steps out of the boat and walks across the water to refill the cooler and returns.
The pastor can't believe how strong the priests faith is, but nothing is said.
Later the mosquitos start to get annoying, and the minister said he left the bug spray in the truck.
Again the pastor offers to row back, but the minister simply said, "No need" and repeated the act of faith walking across the water and coming back with the bug spray. The pastor can not believe how strong his friends faith are, but nothing is said.
A while later the pastor realizes he left his inhaler in the truck, and the minister offers to row the boat back to the landing for him.
The pastor though feeling his faith is now being tested, said "No need."
The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat and immediately sinks into the cold waters.
The priest looks at the minister and says "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"

[Uncle Jesse]

Mr. and Mrs Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely.

One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”
As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up.

“Mother, I too, have an announcement.”

“And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”

“You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”

“I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter.

“An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and exciting plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.

“Mother? Mother Potato, Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.”

“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her,
“I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”

“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement.

“All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray do tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?”

"I'm marrying Sean Hannity"

"Sean Hannity?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”