We need some laughs here !!!

[Bluegill Budd]

Let?s set the scene: Harry was a dentist, and not just any dentist, he was a Pediatric Dentist. It was a tough job but he loved the children and his job. He had a very convenient arrangement as his office was on the third floor of a downtown high-rise and his apartment was on the 10th floor. And just to make it even better there was a nice restaurant with a well-stocked bar in the penthouse. Harry would finish his day at the office, take the elevator to the penthouse and have an evening drink. Talking to the bar tender one day he asked for something different. The barman whipped him up a custom concoction using daiquiri mix, rum and almonds. Harry thought it was wonderful and it became his daily elixir to sooth his nerves after dealing with the sometimes rambunctious children. One day about 4:45 in the afternoon the bar keep noticed he was out of almonds. He searched frantically for something to replace them in Harry?s evening drink. All he could find were hickory nuts and with no time to test, he mixed up Harry?s drink. Right on time here comes Harry and plants himself on a bar stool and the keep slid the drink in front of him. Harry took one small sip and immediately spit it out! What is this he bellowed; it is not my usual. The bar keep explained he was out of almonds so he substituted a different nut in the drink. The keep went on to tell Harry ?It?s a Hickory Daiquiri Doc.?

[Marco]

Now THIS isn't funny but.........there's the "Field of Dreams" game and the NFL pre season NE vs WSH game on tv at nearly the SAME TIME. How UNFAIR??
I'm off to the basement to end it all. Gonna jump out of the window and end the misery. It's been fun !
Pease let my loved ones know how the games ended.
Mark

[ducksterman]

Marco,
Maybe you shouldn't post during cocktail hour.

[Uncle Jesse]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9..40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say....

[gmac209]

How far is the drop from your basement window?

[Marco]

• CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS
  >
  >
  > On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates
  > and suitcases.
  >
  > On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things..
  >
  > On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
  > dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background
  > music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of
  > spring-water.
  >
  > When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
  > few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the
  > curtain rods.
  >
  > She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
  >
  > On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and
  > at first all was bliss.
  >
  > Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
  >
  > They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
  >
  > Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
  >
  > Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
  > set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
  > few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
  > carpeting. Nothing worked!
  >
  > People stopped coming over to visit.
  > Repairmen refused to work in the house.
  > The maid quit.
  >
  > Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had
  > to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half
  > - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
  >
  > Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
  > their calls.
  >
  > Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a
  > huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
  >
  > Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told
  > her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that
  > she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
  > divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
  >
  > Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed
  > on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ...
  > but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
  >
  > She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed
  > paperwork.
  >
  > A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
  > the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....
  >
  > .. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!
  >
  > I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
  
  Mark
  THAT being said, I'd rather be in Wyoming. C.A.N.T.
  
  
• 
  
• 
  

[Marco]

...............and if you ever get caught sleeping on the job in your office, slowly raise your head and say " .....in Jesus' name, Amen".

Mark

[jimsnarocks]

...............and if you ever get caught sleeping on the job in your office, slowly raise your head and say " .....in Jesus' name, Amen".

Mark

If they ever catch you praying on the job, raise your head and say,........"ZZZZ, uh, huh?"

[Marco]

Caught without a GUN!!!!! but camera handy.

https://youtu.be/4tySWLqrYRo

Mark
PS: I'm not sure this will be a live link but WORTH THE EFFORT to ........cute and dangerous !
FULL SCREEN a MUST!

[jimsnarocks]

Mark, That's not a good place to play. Jim