We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

School Principal: Johnny, why is your math teacher crying? Johnny: He has so many problems!!!

[gmac209]

A couple moved to a new city where they knew no one.She was an avid golfer who liked to get up early and hit the links. He didn't golf and liked to sleep late.She went down to the local golf course and encountered 3 men who were headed to tee off, so she asked whether she might play along. She explained that she had been a top golfer and went to university on a golf scholarship so she would not hold them up. They consulted and agreed.She played right-handed and smoked them massively, 4 under par on her first time on the course. They were amazed and enjoyed watching the level of play.She asked whether she might join them the next day, to which they agreed. She cautioned that she might be 15 minutes late, but they thought that would be OK.The next morning, she was right on time and played left-handed, 2 under. They were even more amazed. She asked if she could join them the next day, but asked again if it might be OK if she was 15 minutes late.The next morning, she was 15 minutes late, apologized, and was 4 under again.The following day, she was on time and prepared to tee off left-handed.One of the men had to ask, "We are really curious, one day you play right-handed, another left-handed. You caution that you might be 15 minutes late. What's that all about?".She explained, "I have this system. I lift up the blankets over my sleeping husband and look to see which way it points. If it points to the right, I play right-handed. If it points to the left, I play left-handed.One guy asked, "What if it's pointing straight up?".She explained, "Then I'm 15 minutes late!".

[Uncle Jesse]

Son: "Dad, will you do my math homework for me tonight?"Dad: "No son, it wouldn?t be right."Son: "Well, just do your best."

[ducksterman]

One day a mother took her daughter to the Doctor, the doctor asked the Mother "What was wrong?" and the Mother said "My 15-year-old Daughter Mandy is feeling sick and she is gaining weight " so the Doctor took her in for a very thorough examination when he was through the Mother ask the Doctor "well what you find out" the doctor said "well Mandy is pregnant, I would say about 4 months along" the Mother said "Now that can't be true she has never been alone with a Boy ever" Mandy said "That's right I have never been with a Boy or even kissed one" the Doctor just walked over to the window and looked out the window for about 5 minutes. The mother then said "What do you see out there that is so important" the Doctor said, "Nothing yet but the last time this happened a Star appeared in the sky and 3 wise men came over the hill, ill be damn if I miss it this time!"

[Rick Z]

One day a Brit Gen'ral is marchin' along wit' his regiment. After a bit they come across a hilloc and atop it is this braw scottish warrior holdin' a huge claymore above 'is 'ead. And 'e yells down at them "Ahm Red Rory o' the Glen! Send up your best man!"
An' Gen'ral purples a wee bit, an' he turns to his Adjant an' says, "Adjunt! Send up your best man! I wan' that mans head!" And up goes the best man and then there's bangin' and bashin' and sqwackit and screamin' and then cloppity, cloppity, clop comes down the 'ead of the best man.
An' Red Rory stands on top o' the hillock and shouts, "Ahm Red Rory o' the Glen! Send up your best squad!"
An' the Gen'ral purples a bit more, an' he turns to his Adjunt an' says, "Adjunt! Send up your best squad! I wan' that mans head!" And up goes the best squad an' then theres bangin' an' bashin' an' sqwakit an' screamin' an' then cloppity, cloppity, clop comes down the 'eads of the best squad.
An' Red Rory stands on top o' the hillock and shouts, "Ahm Red Rory o' the Glen! Send up your best comp'ny!"
An' the Gen'ral purples a lot more, an' he turns to his Adjunt an' says, "Adjunt! Send up your best comp'ny! I Wan' that mans HEAD!" And up goes the best comp'ny an' then theres bangin an' bashin' ab' sqwakit an' screamin' an' then cloppity, cloppity, clop comes down the 'eads of the best comp'ny.
An' Red Rory stands on top o' the hilloc and shouts. "Ahm Red Rory o' the Glen. Send up the whole regiment!"
And Gen'ral turns completely purple, an' he turns to his Adjunt an' says, "Adjunt! Send up the Whole Blawdy Regiment! I WAN' THAT MANS HEAD!" And up goes the whole regiment and there's bangin' an' bashin' an' sqwakit an' screamin' goin' on for the better part o' an hour or so, an' suddenly the Adjunt comes runnin' down the hill yellin' "Run sir, run! It's ae ambush! There's two ae them!"

[jimsnarocks]

His Most Serene Highness General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna and 5,000 troops. Davy Crockett on a wall by the Alamo. Same story same punch line, told to me by Miguel Almanzar in Spanglish in Las Vegas, New Mexico about 50 years ago.

[Uncle Jesse]

First time I heard it it was an old Rebel in the hills of east Tennessee.

[Uncle Jesse]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

[gmac209]

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a Quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. the dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.A well-dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper, and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy's pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?""No," she says, "Divorce attorney."

[ducksterman]

Drink responsively, and by that I mean don't spill it.