We need some laughs here !!!

[Bluegill Budd]

Long Living

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[Rick Z]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "excuse me sir... can you tell me anything abut this rod and reel?"

He says, "ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I cant ell you everything you need to know abut it form the sound that it makes. She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all round rod and reel and it's $20.OO."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter, I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but them realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He ring up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Rick

[DaleW]

Mind: "I'm worried."

Heart: "Just relax."

Mind: "But, I'm totally lost now."

Heart: "Just follow me."

Mind: "But you've never been there before."

Heart: "Trust me, you'll love it."



Soul: "If you two would shut up I'd show you the map."

[Uncle Jesse]

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

[Uncle Jesse]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used acell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told atwin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at theairfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted,'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valleyand make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN, he responded, 'and I need toget some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,'So, what you're telling me, is ... You're NOT my flight instructor?'

"Life is short. Drink the good wine first."

[Steve Molcsan]

[Uncle Jesse]

I thought as we approach Independence Day, the birth of our Great Country a little military humor might be in order. It Is good when you can combine humor and wisdom. If you have been around aviation, the military and especially military aviation these may be familiar. I was privileged to serve with Army National Guard aviation units (OH-6A & UH-1D&H) for most of 23 years. I know some of Uncle Sam’s Fly Club and the Navy aviator are reluctant to count that as aviation, but it is what it is.


BASIC MILITARY & FLYING RULES.

'Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, and trees. It is much more difficult to fly there."

Nothing is so good for the morale of the troops as to occasionally see a dead general. - Field Marshal Slim

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal

'Tracers work both ways.' - Army Ordnance Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

‘Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer for anything.’ US Navy

'A good landing is when you can walk away from the plane. A great landing is when you can reuse the plane. - On the wall of the student pilots rest room Columbus AFB MS, 1974

'There is no reason to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.' -Sign at Pope AFB C-130 Squadron that supports Fort Bragg Airborne

'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'- Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

'Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.'

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.' - Infantry Journal

'Five second grenade fuses last about three seconds.'- Infantry Journal –

Aim towards the Enemy. - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

' Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two of these are always necessary to successfully complete the mission.

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.' - Basic Flight Training Manual

Having lost sight of our objectives we need to redouble our efforts.

"No inspection-ready unit has done well in combat." – Anon

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together." – Supply Training Manual

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.‘ - Naval Ops Manual

'The easy way is always mined.' - Army Special Ops Manual

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but if ATC screws up ... the pilot dies.’ - Sign over Control Tower Door

‘If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' - Infantry Journal-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your “plight” to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.' - Emergency Checklist

"Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing" – Ranger Manual

"Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at." - Squadron Officers School Class Theme

'Pilots, please taxi up close when sumping your fuel cell. You may have lower manifold pressure and shorter exhaust stacks than you realized.' - Sign over men's urinal, Casey Jones Flying Service, Ontario OR 1968

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.‘ -Pre-flight briefing from an F-15 Pilot

The three most common military aviation expressions (or famous last words) are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh ****!'

‘If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.’ - David Hackworth

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (SR-71 test pilot)-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot

'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we have never left one up there!' - Unknown Author

Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment. - US Army Field Regulations, 1861

"No man is a leader until his appointment is ratified in the minds and hearts of his men" - Anonymous, "The Infantry Journal”

[maodiver]

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different..
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad,
about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs,
but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

[maodiver]

7F4205F7-AE7F-4330-BBE6-734EDA387293.jpg

Happy Independence Day

[Uncle Jesse]

Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.



1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.


3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in afruit salad.


7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.


10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."


11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.


15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


17. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


18. I used to be indecisive Now I'm not so sure.


19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.


20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


Finally:

24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.