We need some laughs here !!!

[Rick Z]

My neighbor sent her Alexa in as it was not working. They set it back saying it was in perfect condition.
She challed and said it was not working as it did not answer her question.
They asked what he question was?
She said she asked "What do men know?"


Rick

[Marco]

My American Legion friend has poor vision so he bought himself a talking scale. Returned it promptly because whenever he got on it , it kept hollering "one at a time please"

[krauseb]

True story: My neighbors
wife has been driving her new car for over a year,but when he put in my drive because his drive way was going to be blocked by workers he left it with the emergency brake on. She came to get it and couldn't get it to move. She told me she was stepping on something on the floor board but the brake wouldn't come off. I told her to release the brake handle. She gave me a lost look. I released the brake and told her what I had done and put the brake on again and told her what to do. She got into the car and just sat there, I had to point out the brake release handle and how to release it. She had never asked her husband what that handle was for.
P.S I never told her husband, i'm not a snitch.

[Uncle Jesse]

A guy is cook's attire goes into the emergency room with his left hand wrapped in paper towels and napkins.

The doctor unwraps the hand, looks at the hand and ask "What happened?"

The cooks replied "You know those chefs who chop food really fast?"

The doctor acknowledged "Yeah."

The cook said, "I can't do that."

[Steve Molcsan]

A gent walks into a bar with his dog
Bartender says you can't come in here with a dog
Gent says but it's my seeing eye dog
Bartender apologizes and serves him up

Few minutes passes by and another gent walks in with his dog
1st gent sees the gent with the dog and says what he should tell the bartender

On que the bartender says no dogs allowed !
gent says it my seeing eye dog

Bartender says , ya sure a cha wa wa seeing eye dog

Gent says; is that what they gave me.

Happy new year!

[Bluegill Budd]

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is heaven; you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven." With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[Uncle Jesse]

On this my 74th birthday I will share Senior Citizen Humor

How to stop people from bugging you about getting married. Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Old age: A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some a**hole's got my pen."

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home isn't it?"

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

[Marco]

Kinda reminds me of a Vargas ( Playboy contributing artist) cartoon depicting : An older gent walking thru the doorway into his apartment , seeing his wife sitting with phone pressed firmly to her ear, mouth agape and looking horrified. "Henry", she says to him in a quivering voice, "this man has been uttering obscenities for FORTY FIVE minutes ".

Mark

[gmac209]

Very few people know about this amazing fact!

After digging to a depth of 10 feet last year outside Buffalo, New York,scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 150 years. They concluded that the young state already supported a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California, archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read,"California archaeologists report finding of 300-year-old copper cable, stating that early settlers already had an advanced high-tech communications network 150 years earlier than the New Yorkers."


One week later, a local newspaper in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, reported that Jock McTavish, one heck of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, after digging 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Kindersley, Saskatchewan, "Found absolutely nothing, and has therefore concluded that 450 years ago Saskatchewan had already gone wireless."

Just makes a person proud to be from Canada.

[Rick Z]

There is a new Alexia coming out. It will be male. It will not isten to anything.