We need some laughs here !!!

[maodiver]

My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[maodiver]

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

-Emo Phillips, comedian

[maodiver]

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

[Bluegill Budd]

A father had two sons as different as can be. One was dismal all the time and the biggest pessimist ever seen, while the other was always happy and a hopeless optimist. The father wanted to teach them both a life lesson. So, he built a dividing wall in the garage, filled one side with toys and the other with horse manure. He put the optimist in with the manure and the pessimist in with the toys and left them there for about an hour. When the father returned he heard singing and sobbing. He opened the toy side and there sat his pessimist son crying. The father asked: ?What?s wrong, why aren?t you playing with the toys?? The son replied that he was sure the toys belonged to a big boy who when he returned and found the toys played with he would beat him up. The father sighed and let the lad go back to the house. Then he went to the manure side and found his optimist son singing and shoveling the manure from one side of the garage to the other. ?What the heck are you doing and what are you so happy about? The son replied ?With this much horse manure, there is bound to be a pony in here somewhere!" The father gave up?

[Uncle Jesse]

I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."

HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."

HE SAID, "YES."

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."

BILL GATES SAID,"NO."

I TOLD BILL GATES,"MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."

BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

I CALLED THE PRESIDENTOF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.

HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "MY SONI S BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."

HE SAID, "OK."

AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb a**es to work in influential positions of government.
The practice is unbroken to this date.

[Rick Z]

Woman: What do I do with this ticket?
Officer: Save it. When you have four, you get a new bike.

Rick

[Uncle Jesse]

APHORISMS FOR THE YEAR...
It's not whether you winor lose, but how you place the blame.

We have enough "youth". How about a fountainof "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Colt.

A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES; USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids intouch.

If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not foryou.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is badfor you .

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURALSTUPIDITY.

"You know why a politician is like a banana?" "He comes in and first he is green, thenhe turns yellow and then he's rotten."

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors .."

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-electedis that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they passed.

[gmac209]

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's (2017) winning submission is posted at the very end.

ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN ... IT'S CHEAP MEDICINE.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.


.. A will is a dead giveaway.


.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.


.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is still hungry it goes back four 'seconds'.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strand of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

.. Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end.

[Uncle Jesse]

Good stuff gmac, borrowing it and sharing with friends.

[Ed_D]

That post was so goo I'm going toad it to my Lexo File.