We need some laughs here !!!

[DaleW]

> Cinderella is now 95 years old.

>

> After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

> upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front

> porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

>

> One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

>

>

> Cinderella said,

> "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

>

> The fairy godmother replied,

> "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.

> Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

>

> Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful

> consideration, she uttered her first wish:

>

>

> "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.

> I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were

> wealthy beyond comprehension.

>

>

> Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

>

> Cinderella said,

> "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

>

> The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do.

> What do you want for your second wish?"

>

> Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,

> "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had"

>

> At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage

> returned.Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant

> for years.

>

> And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

> "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

>

>

> Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I

> wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat,

> into a kind and handsome young man."

>

>

> Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his

> biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so

> beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

>

> The fairy godmother said,

> "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

>

> With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,

> the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

>

> For a few eerie moments,

>

> Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

>

> Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly

> perfect man she had ever seen.

>

> Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking

> chair, &held her close in his young muscular arms.

>

> He leaned in close,

> blowing her golden hair

> with his warm breath

> as he whispered...

>

> "Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

[Uncle Jesse]

A good example of sensitive Police work.


Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up. .

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

[TyroneFly]

^^^ lol Uncle Jesse. That was a good one.

[Uncle Jesse]

Probably more truth there than there should be.

[TyroneFly]

I have no doubt. lol

[Uncle Jesse]

One of my favorite stories, a little life lesson with a little humor.

A little bird was born one spring in a barnyard a little north of here. Over the summer it grew up with the other little birds around the barnyard. One day an older bird came by and told him in the morning we fly south for the winter. The little bird thought about this and said why, there plenty of food here, it’s a nice place to live, I have a nice nest in the eave of the barn. The next morning the flock gathered together and flew south, the little bird stayed behind.

Life was good for quite a while, it was easier to find food with the other birds gone. One morning he woke up and realized he was cold, he fuzzed out his feathers and huddle close to the side of the nest. Then he thought if I get something to eat I’ll warm up. So he flew down to the barnyard. While pecking around for food a cow walks up over him and crapped all over him. It was really yucky and smelled really bad. But it was warm, and he got to feel better. And feeling better he began to sing. A cat in the barnyard heard him, the cat came and found him, took him out of the mess he was in, washed the bird off and ate him.

The morals of the story are four:

1. You should think long and hard before abandoning time honored traditions and practices.

2. Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

3. Not everyone who pulls you out of the crap is your friend.

4. Sometimes even though you are up to your neck in crap sometimes you should keep you mouth shut.

[Bluegill Budd]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

[Uncle Jesse]

Where Is God?

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked him to speak with her sons. The clergyman agreed but asked for them to come separately. The mother sent her 8year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting with his mouth hanging wide open, the clergyman again asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, he replied, "WE are in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing and they think we did it!"

[gmac209]

How to Drink Coffee in Peace

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5juEoegmpE

[Marco]

Speaking of Laughs----------North Korea, "The mouse that roared"

No doubt, the dude with the "haircut" is either out of his FRICKEN mind or is "dumb like a fox". Note well, his recent threats, the firing of the ICBM thru and over Japans' airspace. The H bomb test and most recently , moving a/or more ICBMs coastward for best launch . Also note, each of these threats produced a double or triple digit drop in the DOW. I have a sneakin hunch/suspicion, this dude's playing/ shorting ( look it up) the market. He is either INSANE or cunningest dumbass out there. ANY preemptive act of aggression on his part and his *** would be grass and the EARTH would be the lawnmower.
Also, as in the movie "The Mouse etc.........", after an unsuccessful 2 rowboat and 3 bows and arrows ATTACK on the US ( ya gotta see the movie with Peter Sellers :>)) they hoped to benefit from the generosity of the victors (USA) as was the case with the defeat of Germany.
There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY North Korea is in ANY SANE scenario capable of acting out it's threats......................and then again, I refer to "the haircut".

Mark

BY the way, UJessie, I thought Yours , from above , was great. !