The IRS sent my tax return back! AGAIN!!!! I guess it was because of my response to the question, "List all dependents", to which I replied, "12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 42 million unemployable people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, and 535 fools in the US House and Senate". Apparently this was NOT an acceptable answer...
PUN0GRAPHY
? I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
? When chemists die, they barium.
? Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
? A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
? I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
? How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
? I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
? This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
? I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
? I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
? They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
? This dyslexic man walks into a bra .
? I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
? A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
? What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..
? I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
? Broken pencils are pointless.
? What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
?England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
? I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
? I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
? All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
? I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
? Velcro - what a rip off!
? Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
So I asked what the capital of Alaska is. He turned to the next guy an said, "I don't know, Juneau?"
Last edited by Uncle Jesse; 03-07-2014 at 05:38 PM.
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
Gotta give agedsage credit for this one.
The ZIPPER
If this one doesn't make you laugh.....
.... you definitely need an undertaker.
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting
for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Even my wife laughed at that one!
Sometimes the other ones go away, but I'm always right here.
If I could see six years into the future I would have 2020 vision. Jim
I'm either going to, coming from or thinking about fishing. Jim
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor ...went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl..
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
"Trust, but verify" - Russian Proverb, as used by Ronald Reagan
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was .... CELEBRATE!"
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
A Golf story which may have been aired here before but............
Click to watch The Golfer's
Dilemma.
Darn, link won't work.
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