We need some laughs here !!!

[Silver Creek]

Three men die and go to meet St. Peter he tells the 3 men "in order to get into heaven you each must have something on you that relates to Christmas.? The first man pulls out a lighter and says "its a candle" you may enter says St. Peter. The second man pulls out his keys and says "look there're jingle bells," you also may enter says St. Peter. The third man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a pair of women?s underwear. St. Peter looks at him with a raised eyebrow, and the man says "there're Carol's."

[Silver Creek]

Those Rowdy Irishmen!McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,"what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.

[Silver Creek]

Sexual Harassment......A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks...."What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies...."It's Keith, the midget."

[lastchance]

Sexual Harassment......A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks...."What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies...."It's Keith, the midget."

Now that's funny!

[Rick Z]

https://flic.kr/p/2pfFjNi

[gmac209]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic, however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snowstorm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

[Uncle Jesse]

Why women needs a husband A Woman goes to a Psychologist and complains: ?I don?t want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self sufficient. I don?t need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?? Psychologist replied : ?YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But some things inevitably will not go the way you want. Some things will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won?t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame? Will you blame Yourself?? Woman: ?NO!!!? Psychologist: ?Yes? That?s why you need a Husband!?

[Uncle Jesse]

I don't know if it's a record but it's a very good start, this thread that I think Farleycat started is 29 view shy of a million and a half.

[Steve Molcsan]

So this chap walk into bar with his dog,--Bartender says no dogs allowed --The chap says its a seeing eye dog --Bartender applogizes and serves him --Few minutes latter another guy walks in with his dog --1st chap says , tell bar tender its a seeing eye do and he will let the dog in --So bar tender sure enough says no dogs allowed , and guy says --Its my seeing eye dog , --Bartender says ya sure a chawawwa seeing eye dog -, Guy says is that what they gave me!

[Steve Molcsan]

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.""Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' ""Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"2) How many seconds are in a year?3) What is God's first name?"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.""The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve.""Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused."Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ?"St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.""And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy.""Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?""I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"