We need some laughs here !!!

[Buddy Sanders]

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE
...
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.


Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person


And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

[Uncle Jesse]

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.


SEX

Condoms don?t guarantee safe sex anymore?..

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman?s husband.


Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.


Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn?t take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick b*stard!!

[Uncle Jesse]

Doc appointment

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE, YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause.

[Bluegill Budd]

She - ?If I died, would you remarry?
He - ?No, I don?t think I could.?
She - ?You really should consider it. You are young and need to be with someone.?
He - ?I guess you?re right, I would consider it.?
She ? ?Would you live in our house?
He ? ?No, I could never do that.?
She ? ?You should. It is a great house and you would have a lot of equity in it.?
He ? ?Yah, I guess you are right.?
She ? ?Would you keep the bed??
He ? ?No, I wouldn't.?
She ? ?That is silly; it is a great bed and paid for. And besides, it is good for your bad back.?
Him ? ?That is true, I guess I would keep it.?
She ? ?Would you let her use my golf clubs??
He ? ?Nope, she is left handed.?

[DaleW]

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the
art... It's perfect.
' Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is
it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

[Uncle Jesse]

Keeping with DaleW's theme:

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. ;

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. ;

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'For God sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

[Uncle Jesse]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0

[bobbyg]

...so this summer my wife and I marked 40 years of marriage, but my wife, feeling the union had lost some of its lustre, insisted we see a marriage
counselor. I finally agreed and last week we had our first "session". The counselor sat us down in his office and proceeded to ask my wife her opinion
of the problem. My wife offered a litany of perceived shortcomings...."he doesn't pay attention to me anymore...I don't feel loved....don't feel I can
love..."etc., etc.

After about 10 minutes of this, the therapist came from behind his desk, held my wife in a voluptuous embrace, nibbled on her ear and kissed her....
long and passionately. I found this a little strange but didn't say anything until he looked at me and said "now THAT is what your wife needs three
times a week! Do you think you can do that? I told the guy that I could have her there on a Monday and a Wednesday, but on Fridays I go fishing.

I guess it helped because my wife hasn't scheduled any other appointments.

[Uncle Jesse]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Amazing Huh??

[WarrenP]

LOL - I loved this! My wife had an uncle who lived in Boston and she said that is the way they pronounce "car"!