+ Reply to Thread
Page 162 of 167 FirstFirst ... 62112152160161162163164 ... LastLast
Results 1,611 to 1,620 of 1665

Thread: We need some laughs here !!!

  1. #1611
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Shallotte, NC - USA
    Posts
    740

    Default

    Klonsky's Shoe Repair



    Ira Kaplan hadn't returned to the old neighborhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam. During a business trip to New York he visited his old neighborhood on 170th street in the Bronx, noting that everything has changed over the years.

    Where once there was Edelstein’s Delicatessen, there was now a McDonald’s; where Fleischman’s Dry Cleaning (One-Hour Martinizing) used to be, a Korean nail salon and spa now was; where Ginsberg’s Department Store was, there was now a Gap. Nothing was the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky’s Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, was still in business.

    As Kaplan passed the shop, he recalled (such are the quirks of memory that he does not know how) that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up. Could they, he wondered, possibly still be there?

    A small bell tinkled as he entered the dark shop. Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffled out from the back. He was hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.

    “Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky,” Kaplan said, “but I used to live in this neighborhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?”

    Klonsky starred at him and, in his strong Eastern European accent, asked, “Vas dey black vingtips?” “They were indeed,” Kaplan only now recalled. “And you vanted a halv sole, mit rubber heels?” “Yes,” Kaplan relied, “that’s exactly what I wanted.” “And you vanted taps on the heels only?” “Yes, yes,” said Kaplan, “amazing! Do you still have them?”



    Mr. Klonsky looked up at him, his good eye asquint, and announced, “Dey’ll be ready Vendsday.”



    Quick Reply


  2. #1612
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Lake In The Hills. IL USA
    Posts
    3,759

    Default

    /FAOL member to member exchange a few years ago......

    Flygodess ( Joanee- a foxy flyfisher chickee) cathin a spellin error by Overmywaders ( to our loss, not so active lately)..............

    flygoddess,


    You said: "Bare with me..." Twenty or thirty years ago that might have been a tempting offer, but watching you convulse in hysterical laughter would be the expected response today. ...
    11-29-2009, 08:04 PM
    Thread: Felt Soles vs Rubber, Again
    by overmywaders.


    I know, you had to be there.
    Mark

    On the other hand, the exchange may/could have been/ probably was in REVERSE
    Last edited by Marco; 12-24-2017 at 08:00 PM.
    THAT being said, I'd rather be in Wyoming.

  3. #1613
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
    Posts
    5,523

    Default

    Oliver Purblicoff was teeing off from the men's tee. On his down swing, he realized that his wife, Maureen, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

    Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly....

    A few days later, Oliver got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

    Coroner: "Oliver, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force-trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

    Oliver: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

    Coroner: "Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her butt."

    Oliver: "Was it a Titleist 3?"

    Coroner: "Yes, it was."

    Oliver: "That was my mulligan."
    Last edited by Uncle Jesse; 01-01-2018 at 02:54 AM.
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

  4. #1614
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
    Posts
    5,523

    Default

    It Is goodwhen you can combine humor and wisdom. If you have been around aviation, the military and especially militaryaviation these may be familiar. I wasprivileged to serve with Army National Guard aviation units (OH-6A &UH-1D&H) for most of 23 years. Iknow some of Uncle Sam’s Fly Club and the Navy aviator are reluctant to countthat as aviation, but it is what it is.
    ================================================== =============================================

    BASIC MILITARY& FLYING RULES.

    'Tryto stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges ofthe air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, and trees.It is much more difficult to fly there."

    Nothingis so good for the morale of the troops as to occasionally see a dead general. - Field MarshalSlim

    'Ifthe enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal

    'Tracerswork both ways.' - ArmyOrdnance Manual

    "Tryto look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

    "Braveryis being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. DavidHackworth

    ‘Don'tever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer foranything.’ US Navy

    'Agood landing is when you can walk away from the plane. A great landing is when you can reuse theplane. - On the wall of the student pilots rest roomColumbus AFB MS, 1974

    'Thereis no reason to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.' -Sign at Pope AFB C-130 Squadron thatsupports Fort Bragg Airborne

    'Ifsomething hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'- Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk

    'Theonly time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

    'Flashlightsare tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storingdead batteries.'

    Whena flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.' - Infantry Journal

    'Fivesecond grenade fuses last about three seconds.'- Infantry Journal –

    Aimtowards the Enemy. - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

    'Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two of these are always necessary tosuccessfully complete the mission.

    Thethree most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behindyou; and Air above you.' - Basic Flight Training Manual

    Havinglost sight of our objectives we need to redouble our efforts.

    "Noinspection-ready unit has done well in combat." Anon

    "Nocombat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

    "Thingsthat must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together." Supply Training Manual

    'Anyship can be a minesweeper. Once.‘ - Naval Ops Manual


    'Theeasy way is always mined.' - ArmySpecial Ops Manual


    'What is the similaritybetween air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilotdies; but if ATC screws up ... the pilot dies.’ - Sign over Control Tower Door

    ‘If you see a bombtechnician running, try to keep up with him.' -Infantry Journal-

    'Flying the airplane ismore important than radioing your “plight” to a person on the ground incapableof understanding or doing anything about it.' -Emergency Checklist

    "Anything you do canget you shot, including doing nothing" Ranger Manual

    "Teamwork is essential,it gives them someone else to shoot at." -Squadron Officers School Class Theme

    'Pilots, please taxi upclose when sumping your fuel cell. You may have lower manifold pressure andshorter exhaust stacks than you realized.' - Sign over men's urinal, Casey Jones Flying Service, Ontario OR 1968

    'The Piper Cub is thesafest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

    'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.' If you stop toask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll bethe pilot.‘ -Pre-flight briefing from an F-15 Pilot

    The three most common military aviation expressions(or famous last words) are: 'Didyou feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh Sh*t!'

    ‘If you find yourself ina fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.’ - David Hackworth

    'You've never been lostuntil you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F.Crickmore (SR-71 test pilot)-

    'If the wings aretraveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter and therefore,unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot

    'Mankind has a perfectrecord in aviation - we have never left one up there!' - Unknown Author

    Coffee tastes better ifthe latrines are dug downstream from an encampment. - US Army Field Regulations, 1861

    "No man is a leader untilhis appointment is ratified in the minds and hearts of his men" - Anonymous, "The Infantry Journal”
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

  5. #1615

    Default

    Once again, Jesse-- You done good with that one !

  6. #1616
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    East Central Florida
    Posts
    335

    Default

    You can always tell a fighter pilot, you just can't tell them much.

  7. #1617
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
    Posts
    5,523

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by RHenn View Post
    You can always tell a fighter pilot, you just can't tell them much.
    Fighter pilots have universally defeated all episodes of excessive humility.
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

  8. #1618
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
    Posts
    5,523

    Default

    The Philosopher With a jaundiced look @ Life


    ♦I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

    ♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

    ♦When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

    ♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

    ♦America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

    ♦You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

    ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

    ♦I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

    ♦Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

    ♦You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

    ♦If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

    ♦I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

    ♦ I can't understand why women are OK that J C Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

    ♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

    ♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

    ♦I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

    ♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
    Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis and he stayed drunk.

    Now, go have a nice day, or whichever kind of day you want.
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

  9. #1619

    Default


    Subject: FW: What Football Teaches!



    "Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the
    football"

    - John Heisman



    "I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him
    to quit in practice, not in a game."
    – Bear Bryant / Alabama



    "It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!”
    - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame



    "At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have
    any."
    – Erik Russell / Georgia Southern



    "The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the
    one who dropped it."
    - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame



    "When you win, nothing hurts."
    - Joe Namath / Alabama



    "A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval
    study hall."
    - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame



    "There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the **** kicked out
    of you."
    - Woody Hayes / Ohio State



    "I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just
    want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
    - Bob Devaney / Nebraska



    "In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
    - Wally Butts / Georgia



    "I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms -
    Truman's and Eisenhower's."
    – Alex Karras / Iowa



    "My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball,
    and arrive in a bad humor.”
    - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee



    "I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."
    - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State



    "Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
    - Shug Jordan / Auburn



    "I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't
    recruit me ."
    He said,"Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good."
    - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State



    "Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering
    wheel."
    - Bobby Bowden / Florida State



    "Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a
    contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State



    After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was,
    "All those who need showers, take them."
    - John McKay / USC



    "If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”
    - Murray Warmath / Minnesota



    "The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a
    back, you only have to be dumb."
    - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame



    "We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
    - Darrell Royal / Texas



    "We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."
    - John McKay / USC



    "I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
    - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame



    Ohio State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the
    meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know
    the meaning of a lot of words.”



    Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on
    Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.



    What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.



    How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a
    light bulb?
    None. That's a sophomore course.



    How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
    The cow fell on him.



    Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said,
    "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said,"Where?"



    What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a
    three-piece suit?
    "Will the defendant please rise."



    If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving?
    The police officer.



    How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?
    There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.



    What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
    A full set of teeth.

    University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of
    his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress
    themselves.



    How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?
    They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

    Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car?
    He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.



    How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch?
    Pay him for the pizza.























  10. #1620
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
    Posts
    5,523

    Default

    Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

    The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.’

    The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

    The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?’

    They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.
    Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts