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Thread: We need some laughs here !!!

  1. #1601
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    A List of Groaners

    Officer: Soldier, I did not see you in camouflage class.
    Soldier: Thank you sir.

    A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "sorry, you might wanna grab a table, we don't serve food here".

    My wife accused me of acting like a Flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

    When our grandma was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday. Now she’s 70, but we have no idea where she is.

    My step ladder helped me get to new heights. I never knew my real ladder.

    Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?
    Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

    What is the highest form of flattery?
    A plateau.

    My step ladder helped me get to new heights. I never knew my real ladder.

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
    The other guy whips out his phone, calls 911 and gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy gasps "OK, now what?"

    What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
    One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter.

    We were on a boat, fishing. Dad holding a cigarette in his hand: Anyone has a cigarette lighter?
    Mom throws his cigarette overboard: Now entire boat is a cigarette lighter.

    Why did the old man fall down the well?
    Because he couldn’t see that well.

    I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
    Wait, it gets more terrible. Someone terrible stole it today.
    Now I have no words for how angry it makes me.

    I'd really like to start a career in mirror washing, it's something I could really see myself doing.

    What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
    Attire.

    A magician is driving down the road. Then he turns into a driveway!

    Where did the hipster drown?
    In the mainstream.
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  2. #1602
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    A woman talking to an officer that pulled her over for failure to stop. “'I thought you didn't give pretty girls tickets?'

    'Pardon me?'

    'I thought you didn't give pretty girls tickets?'

    'You didn't think we gave pretty girls tickets? You're absolutely right. We don't. Sign here.'"
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  3. #1603
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    I sat in the barber chair and he asked how I wanted it cut.
    I said shot and fuzzy on the right side, long on the left.
    Cut three holes in the top and zig zag in the back.
    He said"you know I can't do that" I said why not you did it last time.

  4. #1604
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    Last month MSU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

    Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

    The theory is beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens); therefore, by drinking enough beer, men can turn into women !

    To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one-hour period.

    It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

    1. Argued over nothing.
    2. Refused to apologize when obliviously wrong.
    3. Gained weight.
    4. Talked excessively without making sense.
    5. Became overly emotional.
    6. Couldn't drive.
    7. Failed to think rationally.
    8. Had to sit down to urinate.

    No further testing was considered necessary.
    Steve

  5. #1605

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    A guy is driving around the back woods ofMontana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '



    He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.







    'You talk?' he asks.

    'Yep,' the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

    In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

    'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'









    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'













    'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'

  6. #1606
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    $5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.

    He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

    I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

    I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

    I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

    "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

    I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind! "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

    I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

    Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

    Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

    I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

    All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

    Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

    I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

    She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

    All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. "Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no", I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

    As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
    The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  7. #1607
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    LOL. I am so close to that some days.
    "Complexity is easy; Simplicity is difficult."
    Georgy Shragin
    Designer of ppsh41 sub machine gun

  8. #1608
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    CHRISTMAS EATING TIPS

    1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

    2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

    3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

    4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

    5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

    6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

    7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

    8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

    9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

    10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

    Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
    Have a great and Merry Christmas!!
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  9. #1609

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    Five stars for that one, Jesse.

    George

  10. #1610
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    Quote Originally Posted by Old #art View Post
    Five stars for that one, Jesse. George
    George, I am blessed with a group of friends and acquaintances that appreciate a good laugh as much or more as I do and keep me supplied most of the time. I used to presentations and saved many of them to use and get the presentation off to a good start, but it got to where you couldn't make a joke about anyone but rednecks because someone would be offended. It is difficult to offend a redneck unless you say something about his mama, his daughter, his wife or his country. Then he won't be offended but may feel it's necessary to kick your butt, besides I are one.
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

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