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Thread: We need some laughs here !!!

  1. #1171
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    Heard the one about the three blondes that went ice fishing and didn't catch anything?

    By the time they cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was time to go home.
    ‎"Trust, but verify" - Russian Proverb, as used by Ronald Reagan

  2. #1172

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    Three old guys are out walking. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
    Second one says, “No, its Thursday!”
    Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
    Trout don't speak Latin.

  3. #1173
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    OLD FOLKS HEALTH MESSAGE

    As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hinny. It's the tortoise life for me!

    1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

    2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

    3.. A rabbit runs and hops, only eats vegetables and only lives 15 years.

    4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

    And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

    2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

    3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    6. If all is not lost, where is it?

    7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

    8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

    9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

    12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

    13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

    14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

    15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

    16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.


    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

    19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    DID I POST THESE BEFORE..........??????
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  4. #1174
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    Tyronefly's post reminded me of a true incident when I was fishing in a small boat on the middle seat between my dad and his older brother. Dad was in the back by the outboard and Paul was in the front where there was the most unobstructed leg room with the cooler containing soft drinks, sandwiches and extra boxes of worms on the floor right behind him. As it approached noon I said I was getting hungry while facing toward dad. He said that that sounded good and spoke a little louder "Paul, could you pass my lunch? Uncle Paul reached into the cooler and handed me a box of redworms to pass on to dad.
    No one is making more water. Use what we have wisely.

  5. #1175
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    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand.

    He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

    The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

    Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

    "We missed the R!"

    "We missed the R!"

    "We missed the R!"

    His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

    The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

    With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!"
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  6. #1176

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    If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

    Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
    On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked one guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

    A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

    The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

    Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

    From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
    Last edited by ducksterman; 01-28-2014 at 09:42 PM.

  7. #1177
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    Aug 2010
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    Avondale Arizona
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    Don't know if this has been posted before, but if so here's a refresher

    What deep thinkers men are...

    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

    The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.


    My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'

    The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.


    At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

    Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

    Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
    Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.


    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

    On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

    I rest my case. Time for another beer.

  8. #1178

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    I don't need another beer to know the answer to that question.

  9. #1179
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    A useful text message:

    Honey, I'm just having a few more casts. If I'm not home in half an hour, read this message again.

    - Jeff
    Am fear a chailleas a chanain caillidh e a shaoghal. -

    He who loses his language loses his world.

  10. #1180
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    The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

    The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
    ‎"Trust, but verify" - Russian Proverb, as used by Ronald Reagan

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