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Thread: We need some laughs here !!!

  1. #1121
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
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    Klamath Falls, Oregon, USA
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    Extracted from Craigs list:

    2 Dozen Free Goats
    I have 2 dozen goats I need to get rid of. I had no idea raising goats would be this hard. These little blanks keep eating all my wife's flowers and climbing on our blank cars. Nobody told me they were such good climbers. The first person to get these blank goats out of here can have them. 541-892-

    The "Blanks" are to delete nasty language.

    Tim

  2. #1122
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    Jun 2006
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    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
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    If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” I
    asked the children in my Sunday school class.

    “NO!” the children all answered.

    “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

    Once more they all answered, “NO!”

    “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?” I
    asked them again.

    Once more they all answered, “NO!”

    “Well,” I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for,
    “Then how can I get into heaven?”

    A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  3. #1123
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
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    Draffenville, KY, USA
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    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it's now $150."
    Bluegill Budd,
    in far west Kentucky

  4. #1124
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
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    This is reportedly a true story, being involved in risk management, claims and working with lawyers, I heard it several years ago, but have not idea if it is really true.

    A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,: then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued .. and won!

    In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

    After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  5. #1125
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Lancaster, PA
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    349

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    We learned about this one in Continuing Ed classes when I was an insurance agent...great story, but not true. It's just one of those we'd all like to have be true.
    A right emblem it may be, of the uncertain things of this world; that when men have sold them selves for them, they vanish into smoke. ~ William Bradford
    I finally realized that Life is a metaphor for Fly Fishing.

  6. #1126
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    Jun 2006
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    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
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    From early 1987 until late 1991, I received typed and written loss & incident reports each day of what happened at about 40 hotels. I have kicked myself many times for not keeping the "good" reports. I am sure there was a good book in there.
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  7. #1127
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
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    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

    His friends at the club are all aghast.

    At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

    Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

    They're bowled over, but continue to ask. 'How'd you persuade her to marry you?'

    'I lied about my age ', Bob replies.

    'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

    Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  8. #1128

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    A testimony to true friendship:


    A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

    His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

    "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"



    "Because he's thinking of getting married."

  9. #1129
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
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    As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so ...the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

    Apparently, I’m still lost…
    __________________
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  10. #1130

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    Quote Originally Posted by Uncle Jesse View Post
    From early 1987 until late 1991, I received typed and written loss & incident reports each day of what happened at about 40 hotels. I have kicked myself many times for not keeping the "good" reports. I am sure there was a good book in there.
    Ah, come on, I bet you can remember a few of them. Care to share?

    As a frequent business traveller for over 30 years, I've got a couple of those myself.

    I once found a woman's diamond wedding ring in my hotel room that had been left by a prior guest. It was hanging on the light switch at the head of the bed. I reported it at the front desk, and I gave them my name and telephone number, but I kept the ring (contrary to what the desk clerk wanted me to do) but no one ever contacted me to claim it. I always wondered why not? I still have it somewhere around my house.

    I stayed in a hotel room in Aston Clinton, England for over a month not long after Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor had lived in that same room for over a year, and it was at that hotel where Burton had given Taylor that humongous diamond ring (I forget what it was called). You better believe I looked all over that room for lost jewelry, but didn't find anything. If only those walls could have talked?

    While working for Ford in Dearborn, one of my co-workers spent some time in the Hyatt Regency which Ford owned, that was just across the highway from Ford's world headquarters. He told me that a maid at the hotel had found $50,000 in currency left behind in one of the rooms. No one ever came forward to claim it, and in accordance with the hotel's policy the money was given to the maid after a reasonable time. Could be that the person that had left that money behind wasn't living very long after his boss was told about the missing cash.

    And that's no joke.

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