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Thread: We need some laughs here !!!

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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Carlisle, Pa
    Posts
    263

    Default We need some laughs here !!!

    Most of you have probably heard this before but with all of the "heated" conversations recently I thought everyone could use a laugh. Here it is:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI
    Bernie

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Lake In The Hills. IL USA
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    Default

    Even after the 5 or six times I've heard this. it's still GREAT.
    Thanks for posting


    Mark
    THAT being said, I'd rather be in Wyoming.

  3. #3
    Join Date
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    Lake In The Hills. IL USA
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    Default And in that same vein,

    CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS
    >
    >
    > On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates
    > and suitcases.
    >
    > On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things..
    >
    > On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
    > dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background
    > music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of
    > spring-water.
    >
    > When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
    > few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the
    > curtain rods.
    >
    > She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
    >
    > On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and
    > at first all was bliss.
    >
    > Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
    >
    > They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
    >
    > Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
    >
    > Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
    > set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
    > few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
    > carpeting. Nothing worked!
    >
    > People stopped coming over to visit.
    > Repairmen refused to work in the house.
    > The maid quit.
    >
    > Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had
    > to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half
    > - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
    >
    > Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
    > their calls.
    >
    > Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a
    > huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
    >
    > Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told
    > her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that
    > she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
    > divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
    >
    > Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed
    > on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ...
    > but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
    >
    > She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed
    > paperwork.
    >
    > A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
    > the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....
    >
    > .. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!
    >
    > I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

    Mark
    THAT being said, I'd rather be in Wyoming.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Carlisle, Pa
    Posts
    263

    Default

    Marco
    That was so good I had to copy/paste and send it on !!!
    Bernie

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Lehigh Valley, PA, USA
    Posts
    764

    Default

    A recently divorced man was enjoying his first vacation after going through a nasty divorce. Walking in the sand on an island beach, he came upon an old lamp partially buried in the sand.

    He picked up the lamp and when he rubbed the sand off of it, a beautiful genie appeared.

    Genie: "I am the Spirit of the Lamp, and will grant you three wishes."

    Man: " Well, after going through a divorce where my ex-wife took me to the cleaners, I could use 10 million dollars."

    Genie: "Since I am a woman and sympathize with your ex-wife - whatever you receive, your ex-wife will get twice as much."

    The man reluctantly agreed, and before his eyes appeared 10 million dollars. At the same moment, his ex-wife was sitting at her kitchen table, and 20 million dollars appeared in front of her.

    Man: "My next wish is for a new Ferrari."

    A shiny red Ferrari appeared on the sand next to him, and two new Ferraris appeared in his ex-wife's driveway. The thought of his ex-wife getting double his wishes was almost too much to bear as he pondered his next wish.

    Genie: "You still have one wish left."

    The man thought for a while.

    Man: " I want you to beat me half to death."
    Last edited by Heritage Angler; 02-26-2009 at 03:45 AM.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Idaho Falls, Idaho
    Posts
    1,144

    Default

    A little political. Grow a skin!!


    Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

    All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ?Well,? he says, ?I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.?

    The Tennessee contractor al so does some measuring and figuring, then says, ?I can do this job for $700: $300 for materi al s, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.?

    The Chicago contractor doesn?t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, ?$2,700.?

    The official, incredulous, says, ?You didn?t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure??

    The Chicago contractor whispers back, ?$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.?

    ?Done!? replies the government official .

    And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
    They're just fish, right? Right?

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
    Posts
    4,876

    Smile

    Testimony given in court: (Let's pick on lawyers for awhile)

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Lake In The Hills. IL USA
    Posts
    3,464

    Default If you're a "stick in the mud" do NOT read .

    **Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


    **'Hello?'**


    **'Hi honey.**
    **This is Daddy.**
    **Is Mommy near the phone?'**




    **'No, Daddy.**
    &nb sp; **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**





    **After a brief pause,**



    *Daddy says,**
    **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**



    **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
    **Right now.'**




    Brief Pause.



    **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
    **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
    **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
    **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**



    **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**



    **A few minutes later**
    **The little girl comes back to the phone.**


    **'I did it, Daddy.'**


    **'And what happened, honey?' **


    'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**



    **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
    **And now she isn't moving at all!'**



    **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**


    **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


    **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
    **And into the swimming pool.**
    **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
    **Last week to clean it.**


    **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


    *****Long Pause*****



    *****Longer Pause*****


    *****Even Longer Pause*****



    **Then Daddy says,**


    **'Swimming pool? ...........**



    **Is this 486-5731?'*
    THAT being said, I'd rather be in Wyoming.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NE Gwinnett Co., GA
    Posts
    4,876

    Default

    The old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule.

    His $125 didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.

    Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his truck and left.

    A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim's place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a *NEW* $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had was the $125 that he'd spent on the mule that died.

    "Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."

    "Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"

    "From you."

    "No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."

    "I got it from you."

    "Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."

    "I know, that's what I raffled off."

    "My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet that really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."

    "Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."
    It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Mark Twain

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Dubuque, IA USA
    Posts
    248

    Default

    Three couples were out partying one night, and after finishing several bottles of champagne, climbed in the van to travel to the next destination. Traveling along the highway, going a little too fast, the van swerved, ran into a concrete abutment, and all of the occupants were killed. Next thing you know, they are all lined up at the pearly gates, waiting in front of St. Peter.
    The first couple steps up and the husband says, "St. Peter, we are here to enter into Heaven."
    St. Peter looks down at them, then looks in the great book in front of him. He runs his finger down one or two pages, then says, "I'm sorry to say, sir, that you have lived a life of gluttony, and are not yet ready to enter into Heaven. You have always thought of little else in your life, except food. Rich foods, spicey foods, fatty foods. You craved food so much that you even married a woman whose name reminded you of food. I'm afraid that you and your wife Candy will have to spend the next 10 years in Purgatory." He directed them to a door to the side of the hallway, and the couple trudged off.
    The next couple stepped forward and asked to be admitted. Again, St. Peter looked them over, scanned his book, and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you have lived a life of greed. All you thought about was money. You wanted more and more money, and did not care what you did to amass your fortune. Your greed was so great, that you even married a woman whose name reminded you of money. Now you and your wife Penny will have to spend the next fifteen years in Purgatory." He motioned them through the door, and turned to the third couple.
    As he looked down, the third man turned away and started toward the door to Purgatory. "Never mind," he said. Turning to his wife, the man said, "Come on, Fanny, let's go."

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