Only a MOM.................
Only A Mom Would Know ( As told by a young lady)
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given
me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the rec-room engrossed in the sporting news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise f or such yummy
tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the rec- room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) 'Did
it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is
the toilet?'
Mark
In the spirit of the little girl and the teacup
LIP PRINTS
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers and then there are Teachers....
Heard in the confessional...
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
Next time your kid is yelling through the house, remember this!!
Why men don't write advice columns
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more
than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's
daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is
22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he
says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't
get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
> > ******************************
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If
none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel
pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter
And
Pants vs. Panties
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him
down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my
wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here - try these on'.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
'Hmmm ,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on. 'She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen handed him a pair of her panties. She said, 'Here- you try on mine.'
He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.' Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will
Bubba & Earl - Free Sex with Fill-Up
Bubba and Earl were returning from a Univ. of Arkansas football game when, approaching a gas station on the outskirts of town Bubba turns in. The sign reads, ?Chance for Free Sex with Fill-Up?. Earl say sounds like a good deal so they fill up and go inside to pay.
"What about the free sex?" Bubba ask.
"You have to play a little game." the owner answers. "Guess a number."
"Nine" Bubba replies
"Nope the number's two."
Let me try Earl says, "I'll bet its seven."
"Nope, I told you the number's two."
As they were driving away Earl says, "I'll bet it's just a trick no one ever wins."
"No that's not so," Earl replies, "My wife came in here twice last week and won both times."
Once upon a time in Montgomery, Alabama
Once upon a time in Montgomery, Alabama, a man happened to see a Pit Bull attacking a young boy. The man ran over, dragged the dog off of the boy and killed it. Hearing a commotion close by, the editor of the Montgomery Advertiser came running over and asked what happened.
After the story was recounted, the editor said, "I'm going to run this on the front page of the Advertiser and the headlines will read,
MONTGOMERY MAN SAVES LIFE OF YOUTH BY KILLING DOG
The man replied, "I'm not from Montgomery". The editor thought for a moment and said, "OK, the headlines will say,
ALABAMA MAN SAVES LIFE OF YOUTH BY KILLING DOG?
To which the man replied, "I'm not from Alabama". The editor said, "Well, sir, where are you from?" The man replied, "Rhode Island." The editor looked at the man for a second and said, "OK, how about,
YANKEE KILLS FAMILY PET!