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My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
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Tourist.
Tourist entering Australia being questioned by customs.................. Agent,"Sir, have you ever been in the penitentiary?"...............Tourist, " No sir I haven't. I didn't realize it was still a requirement".
Wait, it'll come to you.
Mark
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Sexual Activity of Senior Males
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealing that:
North American men between 60 and 70 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies, as none of us had any idea we were Japanese.
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Back and forth . . ..
Back and forth . . ..
In and out . . . .
In and out . . . .
A little to the right ..
A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards. . . .
Forward then backward. . . .
Again .. . . .
and again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . .
softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally .. . . .
totally exhausted . . . .
she let out a piercing scream . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"
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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highwaywhen he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
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Rooster Was Bought For Breeding Hens.
A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer "
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Advice from the Doctor:
1. Q: Doctor, I've heardthat cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is onlygood for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise.Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.Want to live longer? Take a nap.
2. Q: Should I cut down onmeat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasplogistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient Mechanism ofdelivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also agood source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
3. Q: Should I reduce myalcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wineis made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the waterout of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer isalso made out of grain. Bottoms up!
4. Q: How can I calculate mybody/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have abody and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, yourratio is two to one, etc.
5. Q: What are some ofthe advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of asingle one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
6. Q: Aren't fried foodsbad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOTLISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
7. Q: Will sit-ups helpprevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! Whenyou exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if youwant a bigger stomach.
8. Q: Is chocolate badfor me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!!Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
9. Q: Is swimming goodfor your figure?
A: If swimming is goodfor your figure, explain whales to me.
10. Q: Is gettingin-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is ashape!
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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going"?
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's your golf"? Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now.
"Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it."
Tiger says, "You play golf"?
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind!
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him.
But how do you putt"? asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods, incredulous, says, "We've got to play sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, I only play for money, and never for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks it over and says, "Okay, I'm all for that. When would you like to play"?
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
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I thought this is worth sharing, from jay zimmerman's blog http://coloradoflyfishingreports.blogspot.com/
Monday, December 31, 2012
Dumb **** Asked At The Fly Shop (2012)
He who said "There is no such thing as a dumb question" has very obviously never worked in a fly shop. I love talking to those who love to fish...it is my job and I look forward to it every day. The things I enjoy the most are the questions. I never know what I am about to get. I take it as a challenge to have the answer. Like playing "Stump the Band". Often I am clueless, and I will admit defeat (instead of lying or making something up) but more often than not I am able to help, or redirect the fisherman and that gives me great satisfaction. But sometimes I am left speechless... This past year was an exceptionally good one. I collected (verbatim) all of my favorites! Enjoy!
"I heard animals act weird when there is a lot of smoke in the air. Do you think the trout in the Big Thompson are being bothered by the smoke from the High Park fire?"
"Do you guys sell salmon fly midges?"
"I want to stick a couple flies in my hat. Are there special flies for that?"
"I'm constantly loosing flies. Do you have flies that don't keep coming off?"
"This leader is new! I've only been fishing with it for a month or two!"
"When you say this bead-head fly will sink...what does that mean?"
"Is this Colorado fishing license good for other states?"
"Hey, will you guys honor a $100 Cabelas gift card?"
"I need a new leader. My last one was junk...it had one end that was really thick and the other end was really skinny."
"If my dry fly is dragging on the surface, does that mean I have on too much floatant?"
"So...the dry fly hooks you sold me. I tested them at home and they all sink."
Woman pointing to photo of a tigerfish hanging on fly shop wall: "Is that a snapping turtle?"
Favorites from past years:
"Why do you guys sell a snowshoe rabbits foot...for good luck?"
"I'm fixing my septic system. Do you guys rent waders?"
"What fly should I put the floatant on? The dry fly or the leech?"
"Why is it so important that waders be waterproof?"
Best of all time!
Dude: "Excuse me, this may be a dumb question..."
Me: "Aw hell, dude...I guarantee it won't even make top three of the week! Shoot!"
Dude: "Is this the Frying Pan River and am I in Basalt?"
Me: "Uh...no. That is Boulder Creek and you are in Boulder."
Dude: "Oh ****. I was supposed to be at my buddies wedding in Basalt ten minutes ago."
Me: "I take back my previous statement."
Dude: "But...I was in Aurora, typed it into my phone and Google sent me here."
Posted by Jay Zimmerman at 11:05 AM http://img1.blogblog.com/img/icon18_email.gif
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guy in the back of a plane stands up and yells, "HIJACK!!"
Guy in the front the plane stands up, looks back, and yells, "HI Frank!!"
I double dog dare you to try this...