Hell explained by a Chemist
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
A little naughty but funny
A Golf Story
A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her
a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa".
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye
Grandpa?" The little girl said,
"I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a
strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and
listened to her
prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God
Bless Daddy. and good-bye
Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the
father, this kid
is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later
when the girl was
going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all
night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a
cat all day, had
lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he
could get by until
midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so
instead of going home at
the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee,
looking at his watch,
and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and
went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen
you work so late, what's
the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've
just spent the worst day of my
life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll
never believe what happened to me.........
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!!!
8T :)
With Apologies to Blondes........
A blonde was driving down a highway, when she comes upon another blonde, sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a field, rowing furiously. The blonde in the car continues driving, getting madder and madder the further she goes. Finally, she just can't stand it anymore, turns the car around, and lead foots it back to the blonde in the boat. When she arrives, she jumps out of the car, and immediately starts screaming at the blonde in the boat, "what do you think you're doing?" "Don't you know how ridiculous you look?" "It's idiots like you that are giving blondes a bad name !" "In fact, if I could swim, I'd go out there, and kick your butt myself !!"
Mike :D
Getting in touch with ...
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
Last one for now...I promise
Why English Teachers Die Young
Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15 They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Poor choice of domain names...
All of these are companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread...
Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
www.whorepresents.com/
Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com/
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net/
Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com/
There's the Italian Power Generator company,
www.powergenitalia.com/
And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
www.molestationnursery.com/
If you're looking for IP computer software, there?s always
www.ipanywhere.com/
The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
www.cummingfirst.com/
And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com/
46 Things Women Should Know
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect gift yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
8. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is harder. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.
19. Yes and no are perfectly good answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Go see a doctor.
22. Foreign films are for foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress up like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should were Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "Nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together.
46. What the hell is a doily?
Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry
Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry
Stay with me folks.. it's a good one.. http://netcookingtalk.com/forums/ima...shi1/dizzy.gif haha!
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners.
He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?"
So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry.
He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts, and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop.
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who bowed and thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?
The old man answered, "Ahh... evelybody ask me that. It name of oh-nah." Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"
"He light heah," replied the old man. "He is me."
"Really? But you're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is velly simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago, when I coming to Amelika, I standing in line at Immiglashun Centah. Man in flont of me was Jewish man from Porand. Lady at counter look at him and say,'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sam Ting.' "