We need some laughs here !!!

The old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule.

His $125 didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.

Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his truck and left.

A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim's place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a *NEW* $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had was the $125 that he'd spent on the mule that died.

"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."

"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"

"From you."

"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."

"I got it from you."

"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."

"I know, that's what I raffled off."

"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet that really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."

"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."

Three couples were out partying one night, and after finishing several bottles of champagne, climbed in the van to travel to the next destination. Traveling along the highway, going a little too fast, the van swerved, ran into a concrete abutment, and all of the occupants were killed. Next thing you know, they are all lined up at the pearly gates, waiting in front of St. Peter.
The first couple steps up and the husband says, "St. Peter, we are here to enter into Heaven."
St. Peter looks down at them, then looks in the great book in front of him. He runs his finger down one or two pages, then says, "I'm sorry to say, sir, that you have lived a life of gluttony, and are not yet ready to enter into Heaven. You have always thought of little else in your life, except food. Rich foods, spicey foods, fatty foods. You craved food so much that you even married a woman whose name reminded you of food. I'm afraid that you and your wife Candy will have to spend the next 10 years in Purgatory." He directed them to a door to the side of the hallway, and the couple trudged off.
The next couple stepped forward and asked to be admitted. Again, St. Peter looked them over, scanned his book, and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you have lived a life of greed. All you thought about was money. You wanted more and more money, and did not care what you did to amass your fortune. Your greed was so great, that you even married a woman whose name reminded you of money. Now you and your wife Penny will have to spend the next fifteen years in Purgatory." He motioned them through the door, and turned to the third couple.
As he looked down, the third man turned away and started toward the door to Purgatory. "Never mind," he said. Turning to his wife, the man said, "Come on, Fanny, let's go."

This is GREAT!

www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

Mikey

Cop comments:


16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that 'll be chasing you."

11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes sir, you can talk to the Shift Supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the Shift Supervisor?"

9. "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are a drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey doodoo.'

6. "Yea, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. "How big were those 'two beers' you said you had?"

3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We use to, but we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours, so you know someone who can post your bail."

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

This isn't so much a joke as a humorous story, it's one of my all time favorites.

A little bird was born one spring in a barnyard a little north of here. Over the summer it grew up with the other little birds around the barnyard. One day an older bird came by and told him in the morning we fly south for the winter. The little bird thought about this and said why, there plenty of food here, it?s a nice place to live, I have a nice nest in the eave of the barn. The next morning the flock gathered together and flew south, the little bird stayed behind.

Life was good for quite a while, it was easier to find food with the other birds gone. One morning he woke up and realized he was cold, he fuzzed out his feathers and huddle close to the side of the nest. Then he thought if I get something to eat I?ll warm up. So he flew down to the barnyard. While pecking around for food a cow walks up over him and crapped all over him. It was really yucky and smelled really bad. But it was warm, and he got to feel better. And feeling better he began to sing. A cat in the barnyard heard him, the cat came and found him, took him out of the mess he was in, washed the bird off and ate him.

The morals of the story are four:

1.You should think long and hard before abandoning time honored traditions and practices.

2.Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

3.Not everyone who pulls you out of the crap is your friend.

4.Sometimes even though you are up to your neck in crap sometimes you should keep you mouth shut.

In a church:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain
was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced..

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap a wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,"thank the Lord, Tom is
out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if
anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Hey PRM,
I had to stand up for that punchline for fear of injuring my whatever from laughing. Great story AND well told.

Mark:)

This one was sent to me by a friend with a great sense of humor. It's not only the topic but also the presentation that ..........................
Click on the black screen.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...mas_Dinner.jpg


Mark

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Damn, 'Damn !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess.
I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

A FLAT TIRE

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my
car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and
open
the
trunk.

I take out 2 cardboard men, unfold them and stand them at the rear
of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't
believe!
They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts
to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.
And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their
horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.He gets out of
his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a
happy camper!

''What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the
road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

8T :)