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The Historically (Hysterically) Correct Terror Alerts By Nation
ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By John Cleese
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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I have to post something to show you the funny picture. You can look these up...
Attachment 7304
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Italian cookies
STORY ABOUT ITALIAN COOKIES.....
This is for all the Italians here on FAOL, or those who are lucky enough to
be married to an Italian, or even to be friends of Italians or even watch the Sopranos or even ever ate a pizza. Well anyway......
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
Italian anisette cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining
strength, he lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he
crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the
doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon
waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his
favorite anisette cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a
happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards
the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips
parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled
on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife.....
"Get out of here!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
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Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just
turned seventy-something.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"
"Oh no", I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?"
I said, "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, fishing, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?"
"No," I said...
He looked at me and said very seriously,... "Then, why do you even give a s**t?"
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Time to hang up the car keys.
A picture is worth a thousand words.
http://i606.photobucket.com/albums/t...image00111.jpg
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The county just south of me had been having an issue with speeders, this was their answer to that problem.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2xnWYx8YK8&feature=player_embedded
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Quote:
Originally Posted by
Uncle Jesse
Now that was funny!
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Uncle Jesse,
For a minute there I thought Nighthawk mightta gotten a new day job!!
Best regards, Dave S.
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The older I get the more I enjoy jokes about kids. Heres one I found on Craigs List:
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
His mother thinks he has been in there way too long, so she goes in to see if there is a problem.
Her little darling is sitting engrossed in a comic on the toilet. About every 10 seconds or so Henry puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Henry, are you all right, you've been in here for quite a while"?
Henry says: "I'm fine, Mummy... I just haven't finished yet".
Hi mother says: "OK, you can stay here a few more minutes, but, Henry, why are you hitting yourself on the head"?
Henry says: "it works for ketchup"!