Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now.”
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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now.”
I REALLY hate when that happens! Good one Mr. Duckster
Mark
Canadian police chase ! ( Or was it Boston ??)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4baX8NfOEP0
I don't think this will be around more than a couple of days but as a dog owner I recognized all of them. http://www.msn.com/en-us/video/comed...hem/vi-BBhW1IV
Howie, an unemployed oilfield truck driver was interviewing for a job at a pipe hauling company.
The boss asks him, "How long have you been driving?"
Howie thinks for a minute. "Well, I started when I was 22 and Emmitt was 20. I'm 40 and Emmitt is 38 now. I guess about 18 years."
"Who's Emmitt?" asked the boss.
"Well, Emmitt is my swamper. We've always worked together." answered Howie.
"I see. We are not hiring swampers at this time. Only drivers." says the boss.
"Hmm, I don't know about that. I've always worked with Emmitt. He's the best swamper in the oilfieds. He's been my lookout. My eyes and ears you might say. He's always got my back. I don't know if I could work without him." says Howie, getting ready to leave.
" Now wait a minute ," says the boss. He needed truck drivers and was willing to hire a swamper to get an experienced hand.
"Let me ask you a question about driving. Say you have a load of 4" drill pipe and you are on a mountain road going downhill. There's a cliff straight up on your left and a 1000 foot drop off on your right. You see a cattle truck jackknifed on a curve in front of you. You apply the brakes and the pedal goes to the floor. What do you do?'
Howie studies on the question for a minute. "Well sir. The first thing I'm gonna do is reach over and wake up Emmitt, 'cause he ain't never seen a wreck like we're fixing to have."
A little entomology,,,
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.
He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go
to church with me today?
We will have a good time."
But there was no answer
from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
to church with me
and receive blessings?"
But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.
The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.
This time he
put his face up against
the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to
church with me
and learn about God?"
.....
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ......
This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"
The farmer down the road bought a bull, a couple of weeks later he was complaining to his Bubba, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Call the vet,” his Bubba suggested.
The next week, the farmer is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the Bubba.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,? she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
?Feels great,? he replied; ?but I still think my thumb's broken!?
TERRORISM HIGH ALERT:
Terrorism High Alert Causing Me
Problems
When
I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier
said,
"Strip down, facing
me."
Making a mental note so I could
complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had
instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical
remarks finally subsided, I found out that
she was referring to how I should
position my credit
card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in
the future.
They need to make their instructions a lot
clearer for pensioners.
...............I hate this getting older
stuff.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason wives seem to like this joke!