LOL!!! That is so true!
we forced drops on our cat, he hid whenever we tried to catch him and hated us for a few days and didn't get near us.
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LOL!!! That is so true!
we forced drops on our cat, he hid whenever we tried to catch him and hated us for a few days and didn't get near us.
A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. ...He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ?No, I?d like to see something a little more special.?
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ?Here?s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady?s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ?We?ll take it.?
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ?By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I?ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I?ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.?
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ?There?s no money in that account.?
?I know,? said the old man, ?But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!?
50 Shades of Grey
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down ...and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
Kevin how long you been here”, “How did you talk your missus into letting you go"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So . . . . Here I am !
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...????
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner, and don’t move.”
She then quickly rubbed baby oil all over his body and dusted him with some talcum powder.
“Don’t move a muscle until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh… it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom, and I liked it so much I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water!”
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop, you wanna buy a toothbrush?" I used the politicians’ method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.
Attachment 11733
Ever had a day like this?
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated math concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to study this stuff?"
"To save lives," the professor responded and continued with the lecture.
A few minutes later the same student spoke up again. "So, how does differential calculus save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the dumb*sses out of medical school," replied the professor.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Dang Rick, Talk about cause and effect.