In the save vein:
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
- Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
- Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
- Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?’
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A couple is shopping in the mall for hours.
The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to.
“Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved the gold locket in the window but we couldn't afford it, so I told you I would buy it for you one day?”
Choked up, the wife replies, “Yes, how could I *forget?”
Her husband goes on, “Well, I’m at the bar next door to it if you need me.”
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
A Chief Warrant Officer retired after 35 years and realized a lifelong dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in south Georgia. He invited an old friend, a retired General to visit for a week of quail hunting. The friend was in awe of the CWO’s bird dog, “Sergeant” could point, flush and retrieve with the very best.
The General offered to buy the dog at any price. The CWO declined, saying that Sergeant was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he couldn’t part with him. Six months later the same General returned for another week of hunting and was surprised
to find the CWO breaking in a new dog.
“What happened to Sergeant?”he asked.
“Had to shoot him,” the CWO replied. “Another old flying buddy came to hunt with me and couldn’t remember the dog’s name. He kept calling him “Sergeant Major.” After that, all the dog would do was sit on his butt and bark.”
in my over 50 years of fly fishing I've never launched the tip section of my rod.................yesterday I did. Good thing I "hooked" the tip before it got away
A bus driver is driving a bus full of old folks down to Atlantic City for a day of gambling and fun.
After a bit a little old lady walks up behind the driver, taps him on the shoulder and hands him a hand full of peanuts.
The driver says thank you and happily eats the peanuts.
A little while later the same old lady walks up behind the driver and taps him on the shoulder and again hands him a hand full of peanuts.
The driver again says thank you and begins downing the peanuts.
As the old lady is making her way back to her seat the driver says "excuse me mam but why aren't you folks eating the peanuts?"
The old lady says "Sonny most of us have no teeth so we just lick the chocolate off of em"
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."