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THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1 My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2 I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. [Will Rogers]
4 Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5 I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6 Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7 You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9 Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10 I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11 Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13 God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14 The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15 Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16 Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17 Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18 Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19 Procrastinate Now!
20 I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23 Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24 .They called it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25 He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26 .A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27 Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28 The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29 The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson (actually it was a Colt).
30 I smile only because I don't know what the hell is going on either.
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New employee at the Post Office:*
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything? He replies, 'Yes - caffeine. 'Have you ever been in the military service? Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years. The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way? The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles. The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day. The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'*
This is a government job,' the interviewer says.. 'For the first two hours,
we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in
you coming in for that.*
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An Irish Castaway
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith
and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Jameson's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde .
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve,
unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
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Tools Explained
Tools Explained
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, 'Oh sh -- '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily
fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in
plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.
DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they named him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you"ve seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.
A woman marries a traveling salesman. He's a nice guy, but he's never at home. She is very lonely, so she decides to have him cloned. This way, when the original is gone, the clone can take his place. The clone turns out to be an exact copy, except for one thing. He curses all the time. Finally, she can stand no more, so she pushes him down an elevator shaft to this death. The District Attorney couldn't arrest the woman for murder since the clone was not a true human and finally charged the woman with making an obscene clone fall.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Down South
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied. 'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry.'
Arkansas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'.
'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75.. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .'
When asked why, he replied, 'Because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.'
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings
From All of US Southerners:
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.'
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The Blonde Mortician.
A man who
just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly
tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife
how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good
in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that
she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him
in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't
care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the
viewing'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this
cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful.. How
much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with
the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I
must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she
says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you
left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if
she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it
made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the
heads.'
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Stress Relief
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest
Psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and
will make you smile...
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out
over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running
water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face
of the person you are holding underwater.
There !! See ? It really does work. You're smiling already. Feel
free to share this if you know others who
might benefit from this technique.;)
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jimsnarocks; That really does work lol lol lol
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Jimsnarocks, Great techinique, but now I have imaginary dishpan hands.
REE