The decision to let her die

I have had to make that decision over the last few days and it troubles me that my mother will starve to death over the course of a week or less. That seems so inhumane. You have in effect made the choice of death by not inserting a feeding tube in the stomach, or continuing medication except for morphine and oxygen. So why not be allowed to have the choice of having her pass on in a peaceful way rather than wasting away slowly? I know if I had the option I would have chosen what is not allowed and would want the same for myself. So the choice is made to let her die. There is more agony and suffering in the waiting for the eventual end to come. I ask again why is it OK to do nothing and let her lay there for days vs. doing something to end her life peacefully?

Jerry

While I will refrain from voicing my own moral/ethical views here, let me just say that I am sorry. You have my condolences. I can't imagin what you, your family and your dear mother must be experiencing, but you do have my prayers.

Jerry,
I am very sorry for what is happening in your life. Your situation is in my future and it's tough to think about.
I pray that you and your mother will have peace.
Doug

I, too, will offer only my heart-felt sympathies at this time of need. You and yours are in our thoughts....

Shari and Bill

Jerry,

I am so sorry. I cannot even fathom having to make such a decision. I'll keep your mother, you and your family in my prayers.

I wish you peace my friend.

Marty

I will echo what others have said and will tell you that you and yor family are in my thoughts. I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through, but if I could offer you any strength, I would gladly do so.

Brad

Jerry,

Just after Christmas last year, my Mother decided (at age 90) that she'd had enough. She suffered from stroke induced dementia, and other infirmities of the aged. She decided. She refused to eat, she refused liquids. Her little system slowly shut down. The medical staff kept her comfortable. The expresion on her face let us know that she was at peace, and she slowly faded away. It took about eight days, but there was no pain, no anxiety. Just a peaceful calm on her face. She took her gentle, final breath on Jan 9th, and joined my Dad.

Love her, and let her go. In her time. My love and prayers are with you.
Betty

Jerry,

I have responded twice to your Post and they do not show up, so, I have sent you a PM and hope you get it. I KNOW what you are going through and your feelings. I went through this 1 1/2 years ago with my Dad and I hope my long PM will help in some way.

While my grandmather lay dieing in a morphine state, we all knew the end would be soon...but when. I leaned over and kissed my grandmother on the forehead, her eyes closed and her breathing ever so softly. As I pulled away from the gental kiss I said softly, let go grandma, you will be with Cecil soon...it was only seconds and she expired. I was the only one in the room that night....I swear I remember a tear falling from her eye as she passed. One still falls from mine as I fondly remember her as the vibrant woman she once was.

I was raised by my grandfather and grandmother. My dad was killed in Korea and my mom died young. Grandma passed away in 1992, she was 94.

Sorry to take some away from your post Dot Man, I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your greif and sorrow. I feel for you ever so much and you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Jonezee

Jerry - I'm so sorry you are facing this situation! Remember that you have friends that care, and would do anything to help you. You can call anytime - day or night if you want to talk. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Your friend ALWAYS.........Ed

Hey Jerry,
The last time we talked was on the deck of the Wyandotte Inn overlooking the AuSable River. That was a happier time with a glass of "shine" to pass the evening. I'm sorry to hear of your Mom's condition and of the necessity of your decision in dealing with it. You seem to have an insight as to how Mom would have handled it were she able . Go with it without any second thoughts or regrets. My prayers are with you and yours.

Mark

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dot Man

I ask again why is it OK to do nothing and let her lay there for days vs. doing something to end her life peacefully?

Jerry

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Jerry,

Death and dying is such an emotional and personal experience for those of us who must make difficult decisions for our loved ones. I have been in your shoes with my Father and my Mother-in-law, and have asked the same question that you pose. Unfortunately, people who are well-meaning (or at least they claim to be well-meaning) get laws passed that don't allow any flexibility for individual situations, and the rest of us are at the mercy (?) of medical caregivers whose hands are tied to these laws. I have many opinions on this subject, but this is not the place to aire them.

My prayers are with you, your Mom and your family during this difficult time.

Joe

Jerry,
Our Prayers and Thoughts are there for You and Yours.
We both have been there in the past few years We know what you are going through.
Go with God My Friend.
Bill and Jean

Jerry,
My heart goes out to you. I know the pain you feel, having been through a similar situation. It hurts like no other hurt. It is beyond you to make it different. The choice is one that makes no sense, yet you must choose. Please take care. You are in my thoughts.
jed

Good luck mate, I understand your dilemma. I can only say that the "starvation" is more a legal terminology in that it sounds as if she will be quite comfortable with morphine which will also most likely induce respiratory depression and death. Sorry, but it is as close as the legal ethicists allow.

I am trying just to state practice facts and not an opinion.

Jerry,
You are all in our prayers as well. It sounds like your Mom is leaving us in the same way my Sister in Law did on June 3rd...just 2 weeks ago. If you need to talk or need anything, you know I'm just a call away.
God Bless,
Mike

Jerry,
I too can empathise. A close friend of the family/like a second mom to me had Parkinsons, the "family" choose to remove "the tube". Although separated by nearly 2000 miles, I was there. I still mourn her loss. Hopefully you can find comfort in the support offered here. Wish I could do more. Live her life through yours.
Mike K.

Hi,
I'm sorry to hear of the difficult situation you and your family are having to go through. Take what comfort you can from knowing that you are doing what you believe to be the right thing. Nobody can ask anything more from another person. I wish you and your family all the comfort that you can find. Take care.

- Jeff

Jerry, very similar situian with my Dad in 1996, had to ask the Dr. what the humane thing was to do for my Dad. The Dr. could not legally tell us. A nurse told us to let him go, we did. My prayers are with you and your family.

Tim

Jerry, we have recently discontinued any but palliative treatments for my mother. In her more lucid moments she has (we think) confirmed the correctness of this decision. I know that dad would love to change his mind; keeping on like this is tearing him apart. Somehow in fifty-seven years of loving her he is finding the strength to carry on. He has said to me that he would lie down beside her and go with her if he could. As long as you are acting out of love you will do the right thing

Before I head to Virginia I wanted to thank you all for your thoughts, advice and sympathy. It truely helps at a time like this. Hospice care begins today for my mom and they will do all they can to make her comfortable.

Jerry

May God bless the hospices and those who have the gift to work in them. This is a good move, Jerry. Our prayers are with you and your mother, your whole family. JGW

Jerry my prayers and those of my church go out for you and your family. May God Bless all of you. John

I went through the same thing with my father. he was diagnosed with a form of cancer that was more aggressive than originally expected. The treatment wiped out his kidneys and they were putting him through hell trying to get him to the point where he could re-start therapy. KNowing that it would only lead to a more painful death he told them to stop. That was a hard day. Over the next week we all said our goodbyes, laughed cried, etc. He passed away while I was talking to him (my mom was holding the phone to his ear). Although I know he died with dignity, it was still very tough.

As for your question about allowing someone to die and assisting them in dying, I have my own views on that which relate to my religious faith and I don't believe it is correct to assist someone in taking their own life. However, being a simple minded fisherman/human, there is a pretty darn good chance that I am wrong. I think someone earlier hit the nail on the head, if you are acting out of love then who can judge? My heart and prayers go out to you and your family in this time.

Jerry,
My heart is breaking for you. Let your heart rest easy in the knowledge that you have done the right thing by your mother. You may or may not realize it right now but what you are doing is a heroic act of selflessness. You have put her needs before yours and in my belief that makes you the salt of the earth. Jerry, there is no greater love than the love you are giving her by ending her suffering. She will not be in pain as the Hospice nurses will do everything possible to make her comfortable. She will soon be in paradise.

You are in my prayers. If there is anything I can do just call or email me and I will be there for you.

Oh Lord, as your humble servant, I beseech thee, I beg thee, reach out to Jerry, his mom and their family with your loving hands. Please, oh Lord, ease the suffering of Jerry's mom in her hour of need. I pray that God's will be done. Lord, please ease the aching of Jerry's heart with your ever lasting love and the knowledge that he has done right by his mom. Please, oh Lord, bathe them in the Holy light of your eternal love. I weep with thee for Jerry, his mom and family. In the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Jerry,

A couple of months ago, the docs told my mom that she had a few months to live without dialysis, or up to a couple of years with regular dialysis. She made the choice not to have the dialysis. I was the first of her 6 children she told and she came up to spend a week in her Branson condo with me right away. We all knew it would likely be our last extended visit together. We tied up a lot of loose ends...the stuff that most adult children have with their parents and vice versa. She then made the rounds to the rest of my siblings' homes. This is how she wants it. And now we wait...

The doctors explained to her that the end will be ugly. She was unswayed. She says the end will be ugly either way, so that's a non-issue.

Yes, when a team of competent medical professionals working with the family and patient have determined that death is inevitable and imminent...there will be no improvement in quality of life...and the patient's wishes are known; it seems inhumane to me that these medical professionals cannot administer a peaceful, respectful, and controlled demise.

Then again, we pay baseball players $20 million bucks for a 4-year contract to play a kid's game and our soldiers dying in Iraq and Afghanistan support their families on food stamps. So our priorities and value judgments are pretty screwed up all the way around.

I wish you and yours peace. And I hope she passes very, very easily.

Hi, most of you don't know me, I am Jerry's girl friend.

I am so sad... :(

I was supposed to go with Jerry to help him in Virginia with all this, and I received an email at 11:30 at work this morning, that he had left work and was leaving for Virginia in 30 mins, the Hospice workers don't think his Mom will make it until tomorrow.

I feel horrid not being there to help him through this...

Thanks to everyone for making him feel better with all your kind words and prayers, he was feeling horrible about making this decision, all your words helped him very much...

So now he is down there doing this all alone...say a prayer that she goes peacefully....

Thank you all....
Debbie

And for you too, Debbie. All are in our thoughts and prayers.

Hi Deb,
You know that you all are in my prayers here in Ohio. Even though you aren't with Jerry right now, rest assured he knows you are there in spirit, & will be there in the future.
God Bless,
Mike

Debbie,
My prayers are with you, at home, and with Jerry and his Mom in Virginia.
Betty

Debbie my prayers are with you, Jerry and His Mother.

It's hard to feel helpless. It's a horrible statement in the society when we can treat our animals better than we treat other humans. Our thoughts and sympathies are with you.

Words are not enough to give thanks for all of your thoughts, prayers and wisdom. But I do thank each and everyone of you. Unfortunately I did not make it there in time to say goodbye while she was still with us, but did get to spend sometime with her after I arrived. I am thankful she passed faster than they thought and she is now at peace and so am I. It had always been tough to leave and head back from visiting her the past few years. I always had this melancholy feeling, but this time it was different. I did not leave her behind and I felt good about that. A chapter in my life has closed now, she lived a good and long life to the age of 87.

Jerry

God bless.

thank you for sharing this big part of your life. I appreciate this post more than I can say.

"she lived a good and long life to the age of 87" and raised a fine son.

God bless.

Marty

Jerry,
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. It is so hard to watch loved ones suffer. We are here for you. God bless your mom for raising such a fine son. God bless you.

Jerry,
I can't say it better than Eric. Your Mom's memories will live forever.
Mike

Jerry,
Thank you for asking for our prayers and help. We are here for you.
Doug

My sympathies are with you. I'm thinking of my dad, increase the morphine, depress the respiration, what to do... I'll just tell you that somehow, I can now picture him walking down a dock, there's a boat, a couple of happy dogs, and rods in his hands. That's what he loved. I hope your mother will find the same peace.