A man walks into a Library, and says to the Librarian: "I WANT to order a BURGER, FRIES, and a COKE!". The Librarian says to him: "Don't You Know This is a Library?" The man says (in a whisper): "i want to order a burger, fries, and a coke"
Doug
Printable View
A man walks into a Library, and says to the Librarian: "I WANT to order a BURGER, FRIES, and a COKE!". The Librarian says to him: "Don't You Know This is a Library?" The man says (in a whisper): "i want to order a burger, fries, and a coke"
Doug
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again.
After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news.
Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
A man goes to Africa on a safari.
While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.
It is a few years later
The man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him.
The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face It reaches down ...
...picks the man up carefully with its trunk...
...lifts him high in the air...
...THROWS HIM CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND STOMPS HIM FLAT!
Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant.
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on the TV, 2 were on the phone."
Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died.
"You know," he said, "Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
A Really GREAT Memory
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton.
As he paid his bill, he said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh, that's Big Chief Forget-Me-Not," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-Me-Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"G'dye, myte!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up. Indeed, the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local noted that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.')
On his return to the Vancouver Hilton 6 months later, he was surprised to see Big Chief Forget-Me-Not still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How," said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the chief.
Silly Signs Actually Seen Across The U.S.A.
On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant
"Blackened bluefish"
In a Maine restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."
On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
On a New York convalescent home
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"
Outside a country shop in West Virginia
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store
"15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago
"Do not activate with wet hands."
In a New York restaurant
"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
In the offices of a New Jersey loan company
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In the window of an Oregon general store
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In downtown Boston
"Callahan Tunnel - NO END"
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
On a Tennessee highway
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut
"No trespassing without permission."
In a New York medical building
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
At a number of US military bases
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
In a Florida maternity ward
"No children allowed."
In front of a New Hampshire car wash
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
In a Los Angeles clothing store
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Texas funeral parlor
"Ask about our layaway plan."