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girlfriend
I don't think this is really appropriate for this board, but I don't really have anywhere else to turn to for advise. I don't know what to do and I'm kinda fallin apart.
Awhile back, my girlfriend cheated on me. Eventually, she dumped me for some punk. After going out with him for a week, she(Jen) came runnin back to me. I said yes.
I'm worried I shouldn't said yes. I love her, I've never wanted to be with anyone this bad before, but I'm worried I'm going to wound up hurt again.
I don't want any sympathy or anything, and I feel bad for posting this, but I have no where else to get advise from.
Guys, if your in my position, what would you have done? Would you have taken her back?
Thanks-Joe
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Joe,
Would you mind telling us how old you and girlfriend are?
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I'm 19 and Jen's 18. I know, way too young to be getting worried like this, but I can't help it
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I have been from Newark NY, to Mobile Al, to Saudi Arabia and on to Germany. Well I met some ladies along the way. I'm now 33. I've been married for 13 years and happy. When I was 18 I had a heart break I spent the next couple of years making others pay for. Then I met my wife. I can remember what's her name, but little else.
When you meet the right person you'll know. There will be no question about faithfullness. I couldn't imagine it.
My dad on the other hand.....well, like he says, third times a charm.
But, it's a sticky situation. Only you can make that choice. And sadly it's something we all must go thru to learn for ourselves.
They come they go. Sometimes it's easy, more often it's hard.
Most of all, life is short, so go on and live it.
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Joe,
When I, and I'm willing to bet most others too, was your age we didn't take anyone's advice. Chances are we thought with an organ other than our brain. So I'll simply suggest that you are a young man with a lifetime of great, and some not-so-great experiences, in front of you. Make the most of the former and best of the latter.
Not exactly what you asked for.
Good luck.
Allan
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Thank you for your replies. Your right, life goes on. I'm still not to clear on what I'll do, but in the end, I'm sure I'll make the right decision. I'm probably over-reacting, but its hard not to feel this way. Again, I'm sorry for posting this on the board, I don't want to dump my little problems on others.
Thanks-Joe
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Joe, things will never be the same once there's that distrust. Take heart in the fact that as life goes on you'll meet the right person and you won't even recall this one's phone number.
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Joe, no apologies necessary. It's a gutsy move to ask for help and opinions. What do you want from Jen? Do you trust her or are you allowing your desire to overpower distrust? Love pain is difficult stuff and it seems that it will never end, but it does. Be good to yourself and be respectful to Jen. Be honest to yourself and just as honest to her. If you will do this then it will become clear what your decision will be. Hanging on to a relationship out of desperation, even if there is still some love there, is a diservice to both persons. Best wishes for a lifetime of happiness to you, Joe.
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Shared joy is increased, shared pain is lessened. No worries about posting here.
Unfortunately, I am the WRONG person to be giving you advice about relationships. So take anything I say at your own peril. But if I was your age, I would seriously consider moving on. Lots of fish in the rivers, and if they are going to stray once, they may just stray again.
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I have another thought, or it just might be advise. Who you are has to be enough for your gal. Who she is must be enough for you. If either person expects the other to change then strife is on the way. Again, best wishes to you Joe.
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WHen I think I know something well, it is soon apparent that I have lots to learn
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As JC would say. Don't let the door hit ya on the way out.
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Reread gardenfish a couple times...good stuff there.
Steer your own course but don?t burn bridges at your age. Everyone makes mistakes and wrong choices, watch to see if this is an isolated case or a character flaw.
My only steadfast relationship advice is to never look for someone who is just like you, look for someone who is significantly different. Try to find someone whose strengths are your weaknesses and whose weaknesses are your strengths. IMHO that?s a good recipe for long-term relationships. Don?t buy into that "finish each other?s sentences", "sleepless in seattle crapola."
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Sorry but your nineteen and she's 18. You both have not experienced life at all. Ask yourself these questions, How much of this great country have I seen. Where am I going in my life and what do I want to be. If you meet a girl along the way that's great. If you cheat on her or she cheats on you, it's time to move on before you really hate each other. Your very young to think about relationships until you get your life underway. The thing that young people forget that there are a ton of fish in the sea to be caught and looked at. When I was your age I already seen 40 states, Rodeo'd and had or met girls in every town, city and state. I then started at 19 to get my act together and think college or some other sort of education like a trade school. I found the right girl. You will know when you meet her. Maybe next week or next year or 5 years from now. Don't sweat it and enjoy all that life has to offer. If you do not do this, then you will regret the one you are with and sour your relatioship. Just some food for thought.
Andy B
P.S. any one cheats on me would be told asta Lavista Baby.
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As of right now, I'm single. But if I had a girlfriend and she cheated on me, left me for some punk, then came crawling back...I wouldn't be able to trust her enough to take her back. I would drop her like a sack of bricks (not physically, but mentally).
Just remember, life goes on. Some choices we make are good, others are less good. That's just life.
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"If firearms cause crimes and kill people, all of the ones I have must be defective."
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Joe,
I'm 58, will be married to my Colleen for 35 yrs on 7/18/05...we have different interests, I know we both dated folks who may have been better looking, we don't fish together, but we TOTALLY trust one another & respect the other's interests & hobbies. Dave Micus addressed the trust/mistrust issue accurately, in my opinion. When the right one comes along, there will be NO doubt, & NO reason to seek a "second opinion". You'll know it!
Take care buddy,
Mike
[This message has been edited by ohiotuber (edited 06 February 2005).]
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I give the same advice to all young people. Don't know you and don't know if this is good advice or not but here goes. Live by yourself for at least one year. No live in girl/boy friends. No roommates. No one. Live by yourself. Pay all of your own bills. Do your own laundry. Do your own cooking. Do your own cleaning. In other words learn how to take care of yourself for at least a year. Then, well, then you should be able to take care of a relationship also.
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No women responses? Well, here ya go! If my son would have come to me and asked what to do, in this same situation, I'd have told him to leave her behind in the dust. You deserve better than that. Everyone makes mistakes, but, if she would do it once, she'd do it again. Use your heart, but use your brain too. Again, don't sell yourself short. You deserve better.
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Trouts don't live in ugly places
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I think Kerry's advise is good advise. I did just that and learned alot about myself and my real desires.
As for your girlfriend, only you can decide whaqt course of action to take. People make mistakes (as she did) and I cannot judge her sincerity or honesty, but if it happens again then there should be no coming back.
First time, shame on her, second time shame on you. Good luck.
jed
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So Joe, I'm sort of tempted to agree with Betty but I have something else to say, too.
If you truly truly truly forgive Jen and are really open-hearted about that, then, if you can trust her and love her, enjoy her. But if you can't trust her, then walk away. And, when you walk away, do it with as much kindness and integrity as you can. Only you know what's in your heart about Jen. Don't feel bad about posting. We love this kind of stuff.
Diane
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Been married almost 43 years. A great wife made it possible. Gardenfish's second post and all the posts about trust are right on. Only you can decide if those can be met in this situation.
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My first wife was 17 and I was 18. Niether of us had any idea what we were getting into. I thought it was the end of the world when she took up with someone else. Took her back and she did it again. I lived through it, though.
I was the one who fouled up my second marriage.
I was 34 years old before I grew up. Got married again at 35, and have been VERY happy for the last 21 years.
Lots of fun and lots of heartache in the years in between.
You have your whole life ahead of you, my friend; If you can learn to be comfortable with the guy who looks back at you from the mirror, you're doing better than lots of folks.
Jim A
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"Many go fishing all their lives without knowing that
it is not fish they are after." - Henry David Thoreau
[This message has been edited by Jim Allen (edited 06 February 2005).]
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Listen to all the advice my friend, then follow your heart. If its a mistake, it is yours alone, so good luck to you.
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Joe,
Dave, Betty and Mike are right. You absolutely must have complete trust between the two of you for things to work. It's been my personal experience that once a person cheats they will cheat again and can never be fully trusted. Forgiven, yes, trusted, no. The best thing I did for myself at your age was to join the U.S. Army. I got to see the world and met some of the greatest people on earth. Joining the military may not be the thing for you to do but you should get out and see the nation and the world. The right girl for you is out there and she may actually find you. That's what happened to me. I can still hear my dad saying that I needed to go out and sew some of those wild oats of mine before I decide to settle down. He advised me not to be a wild man but to be kind and gentle and before I would know it some sweet, loving lady would hook me. He was right. Be patient, Joe, and never be afraid to show your true self to the people you meet. One last thing: Please don't ever be afraid to post here asking for personal help. The great folks on this board will do anything to help you because WE CARE ABOUT YOU!!! If you need to talk feel free to email me.
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Eric "nighthawk"
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It's impossible to get through life without getting your feelings stomped on or stomping on someone else's feelings once in a while. Always try to be tactiful but don't be a door mat either.
Many years ago I had a girlfriend that had me twisted around her little finger. She knew it and took full advantage of my feelings. Finally an older friend told me to treat her rudely. I didn't want to but being nice didn't work either. I disagreed with everything she said, didn't return her calls and spent more time with my buddies.
To make a long story short, she chased after me constantly. The worse I got the more she wanted me. All of a sudden, I didn't want to be with her anymore. I decided that I had no business with a girl that I had to be mean to. I'm not by nature a mean person and I was uncomfortable in that role. Later, when I went to college, I learned how abused people look for abusers in relationships. It's tough to break the cycle and I certainly wasn't mature enough to deal with her at the time.
At nineteen, the best advice I can give you is to break free now and chalk it up as a learning experience. If you are so tore up inside that you can't function, seek professional help. Talking out the issues with a trained listener can do wonders.
Good luck to you and know that it's not the end of the world unless you make it so.
Footnote: I've been married for twenty-four years to woman I met at work. Although we disagree at times, we try to be nice to each other. Things do have a way of working out.
[This message has been edited by Jtaylor (edited 06 February 2005).]
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Joe, see if these fit--
A dog that bites once will bite again.
The wait for the drop of the second shoe is interminable.
A night spent sleepless while solving a problem is a night well spent. But a night in panic waiting for the problem to arise again, is another wasted night of your life.
I'd "hit the road Jack, and never look back".
But, in the final analysis, the decision is yours and yours alone 'cause you're the only one here that has to live with your decision.
Good luck and let us know. We care a lot about each of the members of our group y'know.
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Snow on the roof with fire in the hearth
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As a woman here is my opinion.
RUN
As hard and as fast as you can, if it is done once it will be done twice.
Besides your age is an advantage we all want back.
[This message has been edited by Jo (edited 07 February 2005).]
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Joe, sounds like to me she's looking, and you are there to fill the void until she finds, or think she finds, what she's looking for, and again, she may realize what she's looking for is you. In your heart I think you know... Good luck buddy, I think alot of us have the t-shirt already, so we are with you, and her...
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Spelling and Grammar not subject to judgement... ;)
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Risk...trust...communication...the three ingredients of a healthy relationship. I paid a lot of money to learn that, and when I took the "rose-colored glasses" off, and could finally see logic instead of emotion, well, the answer was clear. I ran, and two years later, Linda walked into my life...no regrets.
(listen to the ladies...Jo, Betty and Di)
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Once a cheat allways a cheat, dump her faster then a speeding bullet. It will hurt for a while but she's clearly not worthy of you.
In a few weeks you will be glad you did.
[This message has been edited by Ray (edited 07 February 2005).]
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So Ledwater - how did you go?????
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As I reread your post, the question I would have asked is not "wht should I have done" but "what should I do".
You said you took her back. So be it. For your relation ship to work you willneed to talk and build trust again. She will need to be open about what happened and why. Apologies may be good, but true understanding is what is important. It is hard to talk about those things and why she left, and why she came back and how you feel about it and how you can rebuild trust, but talk you must.
For you, you have to be brutally honest with yourself and if you feel things are getting better, then stay with it, but if it feels phoney or false or in any way a sham, then it probably is and you should consider parting ways.
Good luck.
jed
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How'd things end up? Good. Great actually. I'm happy again, and things are just gettin better. I really appreciated your advise, it helped me look at the situation from several viewpoints.
I ran a handful of senarios through my head, and in the end decided what I really want is her. I've never even frowned at her over what happened, just told her that I want her to be happy and I'll be there for anything. Indeed, she came to me to talk even when she was with "Princess"(LOL, other names I have for her little fling are Baby Face and Training Wheels, seeing he's 16 and Jenifer's 17. Thanks fully they never got past kissing).
My feelings for her, I can't describe them. Kinda like hot, cold, happy, anxious, everything rolled into one. It makes me happy to see her happy, and when she's sad or hurt I want to know why and help. Is this love? I think it might be, abd I'm going to act on it that way.
I guess we'll just see how things go. I can say that I'm now prepared for any hurt that may come along.
-Joe
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Hey, since we got this thread goin...
Ladies, whats something you'd like to see given to you on Valentine's Day? Guys, anything in the past go well? I was thinkong flowers, thing of candy, some jewelery, and maybe anything else I think of.
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A flyrod....yeah, give her a flyrod! *G*
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If I get a flyrod for Valentine's Day, I'll know I'm in heaven.
Otherwise, dinner out with a specially mixed CD sounds just fine.
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I gave my wife a Renzetti Traveler Vise for Valentine's Day last year. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is. http://www.flyanglersonline.com/bb/wink.gif
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The purpose of dating is to find out what you want and don't want in a spouse. With each new person you date, you will find things that you like and don't like and things that are an absolute requirement in a spouse for you. In the long run, it all leads up to the big questions; will she be devoted to having my children like she is devoted to me? Is she devoted to me? Can she "blow it off" when I bring my work home and really need to vent? Will my home be nice and clean and my kids well taken care of and loved? Will she make sacrifices and compromises to assure a peaceful, stable home for us? WILL I DO ALL THESE THINGS FOR HER? It's a learning opportunity, so look on it as just that and don't be so serious. Give yourself and her lots of time. Are your views on sex, religion, politics and money the same? Those are the four things that split most people apart. Know all these answers before you get serious!
Now,,,,a big one for you!! Have you fished everywhere you ever wanted to? You are at that stage in life where you have youth and freedom to go and do things you want to do before you settle down. A good woman is a "nest builder" and may not want to go and do as much as you. Would it be fair to her for you to drag her from one place to another. Get it done before you settle down. If it is meant to be, it will be. Trust in the Good Lord and yourself and believe that life is to be lived and enjoyed and go for it now.
This advice comes from looking back on 55 years of life, 30 of them with the finest wife a man could ask for. She has put up with a lot of stuff in 30 years and I believe I am the luckiest man alive. Was there one before her like the one you have? Absolutely! Now looking back, I realize it was the best thing that could ever happen to me that we didn't get together.
Good luck and keep in mind that the most serious thought you should have each day is where you are going to fish that day!!
Andy
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all types of fishermen must pull together for the good of all!!!
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buttermilk, Maybe it's my age but that is not the reason I dated.
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Nice story Ledwater, I'm glad you are happy. Like I said, follow your heart. As for Valentines, who knows, something from the heart also.
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ledwater, can i give you a peice of advice, though? don't feel that you need to spend your life making someone else happy. It will only ruin your own life.