Need help with a youngster

Hi all,
One of my neighbors has a 15 year old boy whose father wants nothing to do with the young fellow. Mom and dad are divorced, dad is a drunk, lives two blocks away from his son and won't even talk to the boy if they see each other on the street. Mom and I had a good talk the other day. The boy is really depressed, starting to fall behind in school, missing a lot of school and is starting to draw away from others. With his older brother being constantly deployed in the military he has no big brother or father figure in his life. Mom is wonderful and doing as good a job as she can but teenagers need a father figure too.

Well every time I see the lad he sticks to me like glue. My daughter is grown and has given us three beautiful grand kids so it really tugs at my heart string to see the lad going through what is happening to him. I have walked many miles in his shoes too. Mom, Nighthawk and I have cooked up a plan. I would like to hear your input on this.

The lad is a very active 15 years of age and we think he needs us guys to take him fly fishing, hunting and target shooting with us. We have the add advantage that he already knows and trusts us both. Was thinking about setting him up with a nice 9' 5/6wt 2pc medium-fast action graphite rod that I have along with a decent mid arbor reel, backing and line that Nighthawk has. Most of our fishing will be on lakes, big rivers and wide open streams so casting room wont' be too much of an issue. Of course we will both kick in leaders, tippet material, flies, boxes and the various gadgets required by our sport. Want to get the boy started in tying too. Between the two of use we have the extra tools and materials to get him well on his way tying wise.

The lad is a late bloomer. Just now really starting to sprout up. I was wondering how easy it is to get him chest waders he can grow into or should we just get him hip waders for now. Of course in the summer he will just wet wade with us. Might not be too big of an issue because at 15 the boy gets bored easily so most of his fishing will be from the shore of a lake full of bull blue gills, crappies and tiger muskies to start with. Probably spend a lot of time in the canoe with us too.

Mom was so happy to hear us planning this that she started to cry. She thinks it is great that we want to set this up as a reward/motivation system for him too. We will make it clear that we will get him started, take him fishing, hunting and shooting with us but the more he minds his mom, gets better grades and does chores for mom the more gear, time and other things he will get. It seems to me that we need to sit down with him and mom to set down some concrete goals for him. things like if you go from here to the end of the school year without missing another day, unless mom says it is okay to miss, we take you on a weekend camping trip to Black Moshannon State Park with us. I also think we need to get the boy on this web site. I think he will get a kick out of all of you on the board.

I know that is a lot to digest but I would greatly appreciate any thoughts or advice you can give me on this. This young man is just starting down a dark path and I think we can save him right at the trail head so to speak.

Thanks folks.

Do whatever you have to to keep him going straight ahead. As good as all of this sounds, you might meet some stubborn moments and then he needs an understanding approach (Fatherly). Good for all of you.

I think you two are definately on the right track. You aught to get copies of the books, 'The Old Man and the Boy' and 'The Old Man's Boy Grows Older.' Both are by Robert Ruark. I love to read them around the fishing campfire, one chapter a night. There are some great life lessons in those books, something you can all discuss and learn from.

TT.

I use the same chest waders I got when I was 16.

If I had to pick one I would go chesty all the way. Then you won't be restricted to where you can go like with hippers...

you cannot save him but you will surely give him a magnificent opportunity to embrace life, to accept all that you offer him. Love him and also be willing to let go of him if you have to no matter how much it hurts. I'll bet you have a friend for life and the all will be well. One boy or girl at a time...

Paul

I have to say this is very heart warming. Personally I am very close to this I grew up with a deadbeat (*&%*^%%^*# of a father so I know where he stands now. I fortunately had a grandfather that was willing to entertain my curiosities and at 8 he bought my first fly rod and fly tying kit for me I have been hooked deep with it ever since and believe you me if it had not been for my vise and my rod god only knows what my vices would be now. (little pun there) Do what you can but don't push him he will see the reward in time. Talk to him not at him kids like that tend to be very independent and much more mature in mind than they act or put forth. I personally hated to be talked about or at as a younger man even at the age of 10 or so I remember it getting under my skin that people talked differently to one another than they talked to me. You're doing a good thing and you never know it may be one of those things that you reflect on later as the best thing you cold have done with your time and means.

Steve

Muskrat,

Sounds like you guys have an excellent plan for the boy to concentrate on his goals and keep him from heading down that dark path. If I can contribute any fly tying materials to help get him started please let me know, I don’t have much but I have enough to help out the young lad.

Great start...great attitude. One thing I would toss into the rule book. Any dope, this relationship will end, so hopefully he knows how to say "NO" to his peers. It's worth thinking about anyway. I see you're in PA. If you have a local club...get involved and take the boy. You can also take him on little trips to the local fly shop. Let him get in on the shop talk. A trip to the spring shows in your area may also be something to think about. Also keep in mind he is just coming into that age where boys usually dump their other activities for girls, parties...etc. If he stays focused on this stuff for a couple more years...he's probably going to do great.

The tools are nice...but the most valued thing in all of this is not the tools...it's the time and memories you give him. So keep that in mind. I'm sure you can all make due with what you have. If you have some fly shops or fishing friends around (or talk to a club), they may have some used or near retired waders laying around that will tide the boy over, with a few patches or SeamSeal, until he stops the major part of his growth spurt.

He'll remember you and those days fishing and hunting for the rest of his life.

What a great way to do the work we're all supposed to do duing our stay here on earth. What you do with this young man could very well change his life. It sounds like he's already reaching out to you and that he's ready and willing to learn. Depending on what you're fishing for, please PM me if you need any warm water flies as I suspect that he will go through them like a teenager goes through food. Thanks for sharing and if you need any fishing related "stuff" don't hesitate to post it here in FAOL and I'm sure folks will support this effort.

Take care and God Bless.

Jim Smith

It sounds as if your help is a God send for this kid. I would encourage his mother to get him some counseling the depression could be treated either by professional services or medication.

Maybe it is just my dyslexic mind, but I can't help but wonder if the father is really a hopeless case ??

It is all well and good to point the son down another road, but I have no doubt at all that if you could get the father walking along with you, you will have given this boy a much greater gift than an education in fly fishing and some companionship in his youth.

Is there a way to share your energy with the father and the son ??

John

Congratulations to you and Nighthawk for your willingness to invest in someone's future.

At 15, he's not still a boy and not yet a man. I don't think he can be treated as either. If he's like my kids, the "stuff" (rods, reels, waders etc) isn't as important as having someone he can trust, communicate with and model himself after. The trips fishing, hunting and to the target range are the vehicle to build that foundation. (I think camp fire time is far more important than casting time). Remember too, he may not enjoy one or more of those activities. Give him exposure to them and focus on his preference.

Best Wishes to you all.

Hey, I have great folks but I would have jumped all over an offer like yours. I admire your openmindedness and committment to a good kid.

I would suggest that you steer well clear of anything even sounding like criticism of his family/Dad.

Keep us posted,

Dana

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JohnScott

Maybe it is just my dyslexic mind, but I can't help but wonder if the father is really a hopeless case ??

It is all well and good to point the son down another road, but I have no doubt at all that if you could get the father walking along with you, you will have given this boy a much greater gift than an education in fly fishing and some companionship in his youth.

Is there a way to share your energy with the father and the son ??

John

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Dad originally had custody of the boy. Mom had the older brother and older sister from her first marriage. Dad has been a very bad alcoholic for a long time. The judge that gave the lad to his dad has a thing about women, I think he is a chauvinist, and recently had charges brought against him for choking his own wife. After mom got custody back dad got drunk then took his rifle and started shooting at the house with his son, the other kids and their mom inside it. His pal in the robes dropped all charges against him. The judge gave partial custody back to the dad after the shooting incident. the boy stayed with dad for two weeks and came back home. Now his dad wants nothing to do with him at all. He even made a point of telling the poor kid that he had given his Christmas present to his own girlfriend's daughter!

Mom and dad are welcome along anytime and can participate too. However, I really think dad is abusive to him as does Nighthawk. We really want to provide him that get away that most kids need at his age. Normally the grand parents do that but his are very, very elderly. No mention nor criticism of hi family will be made. Advice will be given if asked. Our goal is to let him know he is just one of the boys when he is out with us. He is very bright, mature beyond his age and will be treated as an equal, not looked down upon. We want to show him that there is time for a girlfriend, family, school, chores and going fishin' with the guys.

I am thankful to all of you for the encouragement, offers and advice here. Oh, M. K., I almost forgot. His girlfriend just dumped him the other day. Mom overheard part of conversation about it he was having with friend on the phone. When she told me what she heard I told her she better have another heart to heart with him about the facts of life with him!:shock:

Help was offered there too.

My love of golf is due to a relationship such as this. the thing he needs the most it sounds like is a trusted friend. I would not start with a load of reward/restrictions situations, that will come later after he has discovered that the pastimes are worth it and something to be missed if he can not participate. Gives him something to fight for.

Also, expect to have "talk"time and be the backstop for when him and mom get into it at some point, if the friendship develops it will happen. Allot of what I am today I owe to long walks on the fairways in the fading light listening and learning.

Thanks Mike!

Rick

Muskrat, I think what you are doing is wonderful. It is kind of the way things were done when I was lot younger. I hate to say this, but things have changed.

Please get some advice from some experts to protect yourself before you start actually doing this. Find out what your potential liabilities and risks are and what you need to do to keep yourself safe.

I am deeply saddened that this has happened. And more than a little angry. But non-relative adult mentoring of youths now carries some significant risk for the mentoring adult. I'd like to see you be able to achieve your wonderful and admirable objective without putting yourself in a hugely risky situation.

Damn, I hate living in a world where I feel I need to make such a post!

Kudos to you both for what you are doing. I carry a pocket size New Testament in my fishing vest. I find it a real comfort in it and wonder if this lad might also. Oh ya, I read it too.

Let me know what size shoe/he has.I have some like new waders that my teenage son grew out of before he had a chance to wear them more than one or two times. if they fit him you guys can have them free. Might have a vest and some other stuff I got my boys that they've quickly grown out of. The waders are good Orvis breathables . .Send me a PM if interested.
Best,
Steve

after reading oldfrat's post, my post will make more sense. how about sometimes including another youngster, if there is a logical one around? nephew, grandson, another neighbor, somebody's cousin's son.

at our church, we were all required to take a special course before volunteering with the youth. the most important thing we were told was to never be alone with someone else's child. yep, it's sad, but bad stuff really happened, and we're trying to make it never happen again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by skippy11

My love of golf is due to a relationship such as this. the thing he needs the most it sounds like is a trusted friend. I would not start with a load of reward/restrictions situations, that will come later after he has discovered that the pastimes are worth it and something to be missed if he can not participate. Gives him something to fight for.

Also, expect to have "talk"time and be the backstop for when him and mom get into it at some point, if the friendship develops it will happen. Allot of what I am today I owe to long walks on the fairways in the fading light listening and learning.

Thanks Mike!

Rick

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Very much along our lines of thinking here Mike. We are going to take it slow and easy, see what he likes and make certain there is respect for all involved, even dad. I think we are best to leave the reward and punishment end up to mom. Gives her a much more active role, more power and keeps us from looking like the bad guys too if you know what I mean.

Liability wise we should be okay. The only potential wild card there is the dad but since we got rid of his buddy on the bench he has more law enforcement enemies than friends in our county. Nighthawk says he will pick up additional insurance on his boat if needed. He has to check his policy on that. If we do go out of the area on a camping trip and mom cannot accompany us we will have her give us written permission to take the lad along. Actually I believe that in Pennsylvania a verbal agreement/instructions are just as binding as a written, signed document.

I appreciate all of the advice and all of us are taking it to heart. This means a lot to us folks. We are going to take it slow and easy but we will make it work.

Follow the Boy Scout Training with "Two Deep Leadership" at all times when dealing with anothers youth. It is a sign of the times and very pertinent.
MW

Muskrat and Nighthawk, Y'all are do the right thing for the right reason, it is a job that need to be done. Wish I lived closer, I'm retired and could help out some. Y'all are doing what my dad taught me. He taught me not to invest money in things, instead invest money and time in people. If there is anything I can do to help from west central Missouri post or email me. Best of luck and keep us posted, take care, John.