We need some laughs here

A farmer is herding a large flock of sheep back to his barn when a guy driving a fancy auto on a nearby road slows, stops and gets out, He walks up to the fence and yells to the farmer: If I can guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one? The farmer who thinks there is no way, Says Ok,
The guy goes back to his car gets a computer out and works away. " You have exactly One hundred seventy-one sheep." The farmer says "That's right come and get one The guy climbs over the fence grabs an animal and heads back to the fence when the farmer yells " wait!, If I can guess your vocation, will you give my animal back? The guy says OK. You are a consultant says the farmer. How can you possibly know says the guy. The farmer says " It was easy. You came here uninvited, Charged me to answer a question I already knew the answer to and Know nothing about my business. Now, can I have my dog back?.

Yo oldster - thanks for the laughs. I thought I had heard this one before, but this ending had a twist.

tl
les

Glad you liked it. At least it was clean.

A middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers and then there are Teachers...

Two ladies entered a restaurant and saw every waiter had a soup spoon in their shirt pocket. When asked about it the head waiter mentioned that the boss had a time saver company in and was told to keep a spoon in the shirt pocket so when someone dropped a spoon they didn't have to make a special trip to the kitchen.
One of the ladies dropped her spoon and he gave her the one from his pocket, she notice a thread hanging out of the waiters pants zipper. He said, it's another suggestion and you are the first to notice it. When we have to pee
we don't have to touch ourself just pull the string and do our thing. One of the ladies asked, how do you put it back into your pants? He said that's what I use my spoon for.

A lady shopping at Walmart had a bad case of gas and couldn't hold it much longer. She notice that the music Walmart played over the speaker was so loud people might not hear her pass the gas. She let one long loud one go and everyone looked at her and was laughing, then she realized she has ear buds in and the loud music was in her head.

I dated a woman named Lorraine for a while. We had a lot in common, but didn't see eye to eye on a few things. She wanted to talk marriage, but I didn't. Then I met Clara Lee. Clara flirted openly with me and I openly responded to her flirts. This didn't set well with Lorraine, and she dumped me. But you know what I said about that?

Wait for it

"I can see Clara Lee now Lorraine is gone"

An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1	Don't change horses	until they stop running
2.	Strike while the	bug is close
3.	It's always darkest before	Daylight Saving Time
4.	Never underestimate the power of	termites
5.	You can lead a horse to water but	how?
6.	Don't bite the hand that	looks dirty
7.	No news is	impossible
8.	A miss is as good as a	Mr.
9.	You can't teach an old dog new	maths
10.	If you lie down with dogs, you'll	stink in the morning
11.	Love all, trust	me
12.	The pen is mightier than the	pigs
13.	An idle mind is	the best way to relax
14.	Where there's smoke there's	pollution
15.	Happy the bride who	gets all the presents
16.	A penny saved is	not much
17.	Two's company, three's	the Musketeers
18.	Don't put off till tomorrow what	you put on to go to bed
19.	Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and	you have to blow your nose
20.	There are none so blind as	Stevie Wonder
21.	Children should be seen and not	spanked or grounded
22.	If at first you don't succeed	get new batteries
23.	You get out of something only what you	see in the picture on the box
24.	When the blind lead the blind	get out of the way
25.	A bird in the hand	is going to poop on you
And the WINNER and last one!
26.	Better late than	pregnant

''Darn, I'm older than dirt!!

Someone asked the other day,,
'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,
I informed him, ' All the food was slow .'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,' I explained!
'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, & if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the guy was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country, or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 11:00 p.m., after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6:00 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people ...

I never had a telephone in my room.
Our only phone was on a party line.
Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was & so was bread.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers -- my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 5 AM every morning.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies! There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence, or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Don't blame me if they bust their gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember :
Headlights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about!

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephones
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (Only 3 channels! If you had a TV!)
7. Pea-shooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10. 78 rpm records
11. Hi-fi records 33 1/3 rpm
12. Metal ice trays with lever
13. Blue flashbulb
14. Cork popguns
15. Studebakers
16. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age, &
If you remember 11-16 = You're older than dirt! THAT'S ME!
I might be older than dirt, but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along!
Especially to all your really OLD friends!''

ALWAYS BE YOURSELF BECAUSE THE PEOPLE THAT MATTER DON'T MIND, AND THE ONES WHO MIND, DON'T MATTER!
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a
Merry few seconds, then it would come crashing back
down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen
window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told
how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, ‘You need some
tail’ I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, ‘Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite'
https://www.airgunforum.ca/forums/im.../icon_cool.gif

I too am older than dirt! Think I'll go fly a kite.:rolleyes:

I'm still laughing ~8^)