That would be so bad.
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There was a variety show at the senior citizens center. After a few songs and dances and a ventriloquist performed, the main attraction, a hypnotist got on stage.
"I will hypnotise the entire audience at the same time." he said.
He then produced a large gold watch on a chain. He swung the watch back and forth chanting, "You are getting sleepy, you are getting sleepy, you are getting very sleepy."
After a few minutes of swinging the watch back and forth, it slipped srom his hand and fell to the floor with a crunch, the back came off spilling springs and gears everywhere. He yelled, "Crap!"
It took the janitor 3 days to clean up the mess.
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter
asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought
prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter
than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had
two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 of your friends.
If you can remember who they are.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still
fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
All fisherman should live so long as to be this kind of old
man!
Meet Walter Barnes.....a fisherman.
Towards the end of the Sunday service the minister asked
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather
was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for fishing. It's good
to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us
all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The old fisherman tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of
the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
Deleted by Admin, Foul Launguage will not be allowed.
Denny
Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Thanks DennyQuote:
Deleted by Admin, Foul Launguage will not be allowed.
Denny
Regarding not having any enemies:
Just a guess but I suspect it was something like I have outlived them all.
Larry ---sagefisher---
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, 'They're bells.
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'
Then paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
l
Merry Christmas!
I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving........
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage...
Tim
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put
On a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult,
but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started
to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said.....
"A Chihuahua? They gave me a dammed Chihuahua ?!"