-
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be
very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful
and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.
Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was
walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be
walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did
tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta
love this.)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
We'll be friends until we are old and senile. Then we'll be new friends.
-
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stopped a Harley for traveling faster than the
posted speed limit and he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' the guy replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man replies.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the
biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands, but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last
name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through College, Medical School, Internship, Residency, and finally got my Degree,
so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a Doctor, so I decided to go back to School.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my Degree,
so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing Dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred
Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away
my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears,
laughing.
-
I sure love my DVR, but I think it has a glitch. I keep setting it to record "the Biggest Loser", but all I get are Raider football games.
-
Just read page "93".....still LMAO!
-
God invented wives to be obidient and submissive in every corner of the earth.
Then she made the world round and has not stopped laughing.
Rick
-
A man walked into an Oakland bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing an Oakland Raiders jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Raiders pom-poms.
The bartender said, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The guy begged him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will both be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game began with the Raiders receiving the kickoff.* They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal.
With that the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender said, *"Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do when the Raiders score a touchdown?"
The owner replied,* "I don't know, I've only had him for 4 years."
-
Ever wonder how you can know who is your real friend? Finally, researchers have devised a foolproof test, it really works...
If you don't believe it, just imagine the following:
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for about an hour.
When you open the trunk........which one is really happy to see you?
-
Here's new word to add to your vocabulary . . . . . especially senior citizens.
Exhaustipated -- When you are too tired to give a sh*t!
As this was aided at the olders guy & ladies, I made the font a little larger.
-
ISN'T SCIENCE FACINATING
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
Oh quit whining. I fell for it, too!
-
My wife sent these to me, I dont understand some of them.....
BLONDE MAN JOKES
A friend told a blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:
"Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied:
"Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."