UJ. That's still funny after all these years. First time I heard it she wanted to marry Howard Cosell. Jim
Howard CosellHoward Cosell
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UJ. That's still funny after all these years. First time I heard it she wanted to marry Howard Cosell. Jim
Howard CosellHoward Cosell
Hi wife loved it when he left little love notes around the house, so she was surprised at this one on the toilet seat.
Do not flush, went for tape measure this might be a world record.
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house.
The Santa at the shopping mall was quite surprised when he saw Martha, a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. We all know Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled at him very nicely and he ended up asking her what she wanted for Christmas.
"Something for my mother, please," she replied.
"Something for your mother? That's very loving and thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What would you like me to bring her?"
Emily answered quickly, "A son-in-law."
https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net...5w&oe=61E04D3A
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Herald-Citizen in Cookeville, Tn. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night ."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the IGA grocery store and asked,What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule??
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $1898.00
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms.
One in office
One in prison
It snowed last night......
We received about 2 inches of snow and ...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:25 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:30 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.
8:40 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:45 - The transgender man--woman--person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:55 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not used to decorate snow figures.
9:05 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
9:15 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
9:20 - Then accused of using a black face on the snowperson.
9:27 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered.
9:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
9:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
9:48 - The neighborhood 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
9:50 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist.
10:03 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
10:05 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. Later my children were taken by social services.
10:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.
10:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
11:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because we pay attention to a bunch of snowflakes.
....... AMEN!!!
.....lee s.
(From my facebook page
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver named Cliff in a Brioni? suit, Gucci? shoes, and RayBan? sunglasses, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud answers, "Sure, why not?"
Cliff parks his car, whips out his Dell? notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad? that the image has been processed and the data stored.
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves," he says.
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a member of Congress,” says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says Cliff. “But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew the answer to. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are. And you’re clueless about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in North Dakota near the Canadian border.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in!
https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid...291779&__cft__[0]=AZW7RvqNLC6ffc6SSczZjYvcL_FxYXeXuJsJN4QdhZMp0W4Nj EVXfCk_J4DvwEgBJyXvOLHZR5Y_VbURRp90k_PKXcif3WaczI0 RZIw_PTyWVaD5vAGFXamHQiV4F1Zfc9EzSE0Ra_QiWqKIX-z-XraS53OShEINn4IrJrqN5MxV95yDJhH04oLIdYNdg4NyGq0&__ tn__=EH-y-R
The surface of the earth is 70% water.
None of it is carbonated, thus proving that the earth is flat.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing! He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're having a senior moment...make it memorable!
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, and put the paint on top of the bucket. I'll hold the chickens"!
Church Ladies With Typewriters
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. ' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back doo
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
The Art Of Conversing With Spouse
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
A farmer was driving his truck full of vegetables to the city to sell them. On the way he gets a flat tire. So, he pulls over and gets out his jack and lug wrench and proceeds to change the tire. As he takes off each lug nut, he puts them in the hub cap he took off the wheel. He is almost finished, and a car comes by at a high speed and barely clips the hub cap and sends all the lug nuts flying. He is at a loss as to what he is going to next. From behind the chain link fence, he is parked next to comes a voice. The farmer now sees that he parked right next to an insane asylum. The fellow behind the fence who has been watching the whole affair says ?Just take one lug nut off each of the other wheels and put them on the wheel you just changed. Then you can safely drive on into the city and buy some new lug nuts to replace the ones that you lost. The farmer says ?That?s a great idea. You saved my day.? Then he said to the guy ?You must work in this asylum since you are so smart.? The guy replies ?Nope, I?m patient here.? The farmer asked, ?How can you be in there if you are so smart?? The guy replies ?I?m crazy, not stupid.?.
Thirty minutes after take-off the senior flight attendant announced over the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, due to a huge mistake by our catering company we will not have enough inflight meals for all passengers. The catering company only provided up with 40 meals and there are 103 souls on board today. I truly apologize for this error and inconvenience.”
When the passenger muttering died down, she continued. “Any passenger willing to forego their meal so another passenger can eat will be given unlimited free drinks for the remainder of the flight to compensate them for their generosity.
A hour later the flight attendant came back on the intercom and announced. “If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 37 meals available.”
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.
They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues. I don't even know eight people without issues.
Theme parks can snap a crystal-clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied "you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?" I am now blocked
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers ... if you do find one, what's your plan?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah let only animals on the boat.
Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.
When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask. It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.
Covid-19 Fact: 87% of gym members don't even know their gym is closed.
I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.
My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they are a drug dealer. There's no other explanation for that type of income.
After a year of this pandemic, I'm either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.
I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite. Apparently you can't do this in Starbucks. And now the cops are here.
Do not vaccinate health care workers first. If it fails, we're all in trouble. Vaccinate the politicians first. If we lose a few of them, it won't matter.
In the 1980's I fell off my bike and skinned my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.
Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky.
Dear Sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, bacon-less years.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster. Mc
I still have a full deck... I just shuffle slower.
George,
THOSE are funny! :D Obviously, you're well enough to have retained you sense of humor. Good to see you post old Friend!
Mike
Circus Couple Adopting A Child
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency where a social worker doubts their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 foot motor home which is clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social worker raises concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Latin and computing skills?.
Then the social worker expressed concerns about being raised in a circus environment.
"The child will be surrounded by family, but we've also retained a nanny who is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet?.
The social worker is finally satisfied and asks, "what age child are you ideally hoping to adopt??
"Doesn't really matter...as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
Clint
Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.
Understanding Engineers 7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."
And Finally
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "19.5 feet," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Congress .
A man was having an affair with an Italian woman
For several years, a man was having an affair
with an Italian woman. One night, she confided
in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to
secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to
raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when
the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told
her to simply mail him a post card, and write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange
for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to
his confused wife. 'Honey', she said, 'you
received a very strange post card today'.
'Oh, really? Let me see...' he said. The wife gave
it to him and watched as her husband read the
card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'
60th High School Reunion, He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes,….. yes I will!” The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes? or did she say No? He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No? “Why you silly man, I said Yes.
Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart.” The widower was delighted.
He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued.
“And I am so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who asked me!”
Good one Jesse - and at my age it's becoming more believable.....
Cliff
A little boy goes to his father and asks, " Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, " well son,I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in an online chat-room. Then I set up a date via E-mail with your Mom, and we met at a Cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, " You've got male!"
I recently spent $16,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...
... but they kind of taste like peppermint. https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/e...5/16/1f642.png
A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza...
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
[/COLOR]
What do your call a stolen Tesla ?
an Edison :)
Peace
My wife is always going out of her way to make things simple
I just found this note which she left for me:
Hey Sweetie,
I'm at work.
Dinner is on the stove.
You only have to light it, the gas is already turned on.
Love you, XXXX
A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.
When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,
"Please untie her, please, let her go!"
The thief responds with,
"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration"
The man yet again pleads,
"Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"
The burglar once again explains his reasoning,
"I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance."
The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,
"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!"
The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
"Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately"
"No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy "My wife will be home in 15 minutes"
While riding the commuter train the other day, the only seat available was next to this sexy blond. We struck up a conversation.
Suddenly she said, ?Want to see where I got my appendectomy?? I couldn?t resist and said ok.
Outside we were passing a hospital and she said, ?There? and pointed at the hospital.
Why do chicken coups have two doors?
If they had four doors, they would be a chicken sedan.
I told this in the car to my 13 year old grand daughter. She groaned for two blocks. It was beautiful.
She informed me it was a "Grandpa class" joke. Apparently, Dad jokes are level one, Uncle jokes are level two, and Grandpa jokes are the absolute worst.
I'm so proud.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
The Art Of Conversing With Spouse
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
I went to church today. the preacher came over to me and said, "You will walk today".
I told him that I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with enthusiasm.
After the service I went outside, and my car was gone.
A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
After a wave of shock, she looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
My Daddy Sleeps Naked
“Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.
“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy.
The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years.
Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,…… but he always told her the truth.
“You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens.
Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, “That fox is back again…
I’m a gonna git him!”
“Stay back,” Daddy whispered to all us kids!
“My Daddy was naked as a jaybird — no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.
Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy’s crack!”
“Miss Russell, we all been pluckin’ chickens since three o’clock this mornin!”
I enlarged the font because I figured only old guys like me would understand the following.
Lost Words from our Childhood
Mergatroyd! Do you remember that word? Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd? Heavens to Mergatroyd!
The other day a not so elderly (I'd say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy, and he looked at her quizzically and said, "What the heck is a Jalopy?" He had never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old ... But not that old.
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included: Don't touch that dial, Carbon copy, You sound like a broken record, and Hung out to dry.
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker, to straighten up and fly right.
Heavens to Betsy!
Gee whillikers!
Jumping Jehoshaphat!
Holy Moley!
We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley; and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?
Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.
Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say,
"Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!" Or, "This is a fine kettle of fish!" We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.
Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those great phrases gone?
Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey, it's your nickel.
Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.
It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! (Carter's Little Liver Pills are gone too!)
We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory.
It's one of the greatest advantages of aging!
Leaves me to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth?
See ya later, alligator! Okidoki.
All of the above is "Too Much Monkey Business" for me!