Natural Resources
Discussing the environment with his friend, John asked, "Which of our natural resources do you think will become exhausted first?"
"The taxpayer," replied his friend.
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Natural Resources
Discussing the environment with his friend, John asked, "Which of our natural resources do you think will become exhausted first?"
"The taxpayer," replied his friend.
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and there politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."
Vote wisely on November 2, 2010
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?"
The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."
The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"
So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."
The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"
The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said," Yes officer here it right here."
It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"
The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."
The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
A mother is driving her *little girl to her friend's house for a play *date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, *'how old are you?'*
'Honey, you are not *supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother *replied.*
'It's not polite.'*
'OK', *the little girl says,*
'How much do you *weigh?'*
'Now really,' the mother says, *
'those are personal questions and are really *none of your business.'*
Undaunted, the *little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a *divorce?'*
'That's enough questions, *young lady! Honestly!'*
The exasperated *mother walks away as the two friends begin to *play.*
' My Mom won't tell me anything *about her,' the little girl says to her friend. *
'Well,' says the friend,*
'all you *need to do is look at her driver's license. *
It's like a report card, it has everything *on it..'*
Later that night the little girl *says to her mother,*
'I know how old you are. *You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and *asks,*
'How did you find that out?*
'I *also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' *
The mother is past surprised and shocked *now.*
'How in Heaven's name did you find that *out?'*
'And,' the little girl says *triumphantly,
'I know why you and *daddy got a divorce.'*
'Oh really?' the mother *asks. 'Why?'
'Because you *got an F in sex.'
Yeah this has made the rounds and probably you have seen it a time or two but if you are old like me you won't remember and get a kick out of it anyway. The older we get....
ONE
Recently, when
I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
(Unbelievable, but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they
wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar
code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I
don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen
putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago,
we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the
secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
A brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very
worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room.
The kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the
kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.
The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant
killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
Life is tough.
It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't
laugh...it is all true....
The perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"Did I wake you?" (and they usually do)
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. Youcan eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ' Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
We hope the two of you enjoy shopping at Walmart.
Target
__________________
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It?s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for
tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now ........my time is UP !
Oh....one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U P !
Did that one crack you UP?
Now I'll shut UP
Chiropractic pick-up line:
What's a joint like this doing in a girl like you?
And then...
Two snakes were crawling along when one stopped suddenly and said, "Hey, hey, hey! Are we poisonous?"
The other snake replied, "I don't know, why?"
"Because I just bit my lip!"
A guy from the city moves to the country and decides to take up farming.
He checks around and figures out that chicken farming has the best rate of return
The man goes to the Farm Supply and orders a gross of chicks.
A couple of weeks go by, and the man shows up again, asking for another couple gross of chicks.
Another week, and the city slicker shows up to buy another gross of chicks.
The guy at the farm supply says, "You must be doing really well farming chickens!"
Guy says, "Not at all, I must be doing something wrong. I figure I am either planting them too deep, too far apart, or not watering them enough."