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Why women needs a husband
A Woman goes to a Psychologist and complains: “I don’t want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”
Psychologist replied : “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But some things inevitably will not go the way you want. Some things will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame? Will you blame Yourself?”
Woman: “NO!!!”
Psychologist: “Yes… That’s why you need a Husband!”
Having been involved in the hotel industry for a good part of my life I can understand this.
Attachment 15902
HERE ARE THE REAL LAWS OF NATURE
.........TRUE AND TO THE POINT.
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2 Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8 Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went..?” https://www.airgunforum.ca/forums/im...on_biggrin.gif
One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket."
"For reading a book"? she replies.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Sometimes, we need to try and not be so obvious as to our mischief.
Attachment 15908
My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came home and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed."
I feel compelled to reveal this was an original thought of another FAOL member who apparently was bit modest about posting it himself.
Do you know what another name for nymphomaniac is .. Wet fly fisher man ...
Let?s set the scene: Harry was a dentist, and not just any dentist, he was a Pediatric Dentist. It was a tough job but he loved the children and his job. He had a very convenient arrangement as his office was on the third floor of a downtown high-rise and his apartment was on the 10th floor. And just to make it even better there was a nice restaurant with a well-stocked bar in the penthouse. Harry would finish his day at the office, take the elevator to the penthouse and have an evening drink. Talking to the bar tender one day he asked for something different. The barman whipped him up a custom concoction using daiquiri mix, rum and almonds. Harry thought it was wonderful and it became his daily elixir to sooth his nerves after dealing with the sometimes rambunctious children. One day about 4:45 in the afternoon the bar keep noticed he was out of almonds. He searched frantically for something to replace them in Harry?s evening drink. All he could find were hickory nuts and with no time to test, he mixed up Harry?s drink. Right on time here comes Harry and plants himself on a bar stool and the keep slid the drink in front of him. Harry took one small sip and immediately spit it out! What is this he bellowed; it is not my usual. The bar keep explained he was out of almonds so he substituted a different nut in the drink. The keep went on to tell Harry ?It?s a Hickory Daiquiri Doc.?
Now THIS isn't funny but.........there's the "Field of Dreams" game and the NFL pre season NE vs WSH game on tv at nearly the SAME TIME. How UNFAIR??
I'm off to the basement to end it all. Gonna jump out of the window and end the misery. It's been fun !
Pease let my loved ones know how the games ended.
Mark
Marco,
Maybe you shouldn't post during cocktail hour.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9..40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say....
How far is the drop from your basement window?
CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS
>
>
> On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates
> and suitcases.
>
> On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things..
>
> On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
> dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background
> music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of
> spring-water.
>
> When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
> few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the
> curtain rods.
>
> She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
>
> On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and
> at first all was bliss.
>
> Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
>
> They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
>
> Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
>
> Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
> set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
> few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
> carpeting. Nothing worked!
>
> People stopped coming over to visit.
> Repairmen refused to work in the house.
> The maid quit.
>
> Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had
> to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half
> - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
>
> Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
> their calls.
>
> Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a
> huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
>
> Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told
> her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that
> she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
> divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
>
> Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed
> on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ...
> but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
>
> She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed
> paperwork.
>
> A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
> the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....
>
> .. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!
>
> I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
MarkTHAT being said, I'd rather be in Wyoming. C.A.N.T.
...............and if you ever get caught sleeping on the job in your office, slowly raise your head and say " .....in Jesus' name, Amen".
Mark
Caught without a GUN!!!!! :) but camera handy.
https://youtu.be/4tySWLqrYRo
Mark
PS: I'm not sure this will be a live link but WORTH THE EFFORT to ........cute and dangerous !
FULL SCREEN a MUST!
Mark, That's not a good place to play. Jim
In Retrospect,
That "cute" bear should have been "educated" with a face full of bear spray just to instill in him a lasting memory of consequences to human interaction.
Mark
My entire professional career I worked in fire prevention, safety and security. I supervised a good many hotels for Holiday Inn and Starwood hotels for those purposes for several years, unfortunately I did not keep a copy of what we called Incident Reports. I could have written a best seller. I understand why products have instructions such as those below:
Instructionsfrom Products
On a bagof Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a barof Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On achild's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Japanesefood processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On aKorean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
On astring of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On aSwedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On Boot'sChildren's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Marks& Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On Nytol sleepaid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
Onpackaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
OnSainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On someSwann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco'sTiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
UJ,
Did you intentionally make those grammatical errors or did you wish to vindicate our feckless ( fearless ???) leader ?
Mark
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I don't CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS wife FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED,
GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, NO GOOD FOR NOTHING ASKED..
'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH
Aye, Father O'Malley
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?
"Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied:
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites! "There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . ..
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Se?ora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No, Se?ora...."The gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
HOLLYWOOD SQUARES
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show.)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knott: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older..
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
WE DO NOT STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
This is more of a humorous story than a joke, but it seem appropriate for these times when everyone is tell everyone else what they need to do.
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk.
The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride.
The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal.
The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ***.
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said "Don't sell that cow."
So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs.
I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
EXCELLENT !!!!
A take-off on the one where the Jewish lady was flying her dead poodle back to Israel for burial. The flight crew found the dead dog in the baggage compartment and fearing a HUGE lawsuit went to great pains to procure a live poodle..............the rest is history :)
Mark
It's important to use good punctuation, period.
An English Professor wrote the words
"A woman without her man is nothing"
He then asked his students to properly punctuate the statement.
The males in the class all wrote "A woman without her man, is nothing."
The females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
But is it a lost art?
MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE
This needs no explanation – and is a fun read, no matter your gender.
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom, because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress – $5,000 Tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes normally don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache...
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Bob, Dan, Ed and Pat go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, Bird Brain, Idiot and Wild man.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Bob, Dan, Ed and Pat will each throw in $20, even though it's only for 62.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor .... and to the men who will enjoy reading .
After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barbershop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist church.
The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.
The next morning the man looked in the mirror and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop the day before. "Not bad," he thought, "At least I don't need to get a shave every day."
The next morning the man's face was still smooth! Two weeks later the man was STILL unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.
"I thought $20 was high for a shave," he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back." The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment.
She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."
That's a good Baptist joke, been going to a Southern Baptist church since 9 months before I was born. I'll pass it along to my Baptist friends and few Methodist and Catholic, maybe a Jewish friend or two.
This is so funny and true. I found this timely, because today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "911."
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, sags or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
May you always have:
Love to share,
Cash to spare,
Tires with air,
And friends who care.
The blonde lady went to visit her husband in the state prison. After the visit she confronted the warden, wanting to know why her husband was so overworked.
The warden laughed and told her all he does is eat and sleep, never leaves his cell.
"That's not true!" she cried. "He told me he's been digging a tunnel every day, by himself, for four months!"
A priest, and a minister welcome the new pastor in town to join them on their weekly fishing trip.
They drive out to the lake, put the row boat in the water and start having a great morning discussing all sorts of topics, and catching fish.
The priest notices they are getting low on beverages, and the pastor offers to row the boat back to the truck.
"No need", said the priest, and steps out of the boat and walks across the water to refill the cooler and returns.
The pastor can't believe how strong the priests faith is, but nothing is said.
Later the mosquitos start to get annoying, and the minister said he left the bug spray in the truck.
Again the pastor offers to row back, but the minister simply said, "No need" and repeated the act of faith walking across the water and coming back with the bug spray. The pastor can not believe how strong his friends faith are, but nothing is said.
A while later the pastor realizes he left his inhaler in the truck, and the minister offers to row the boat back to the landing for him.
The pastor though feeling his faith is now being tested, said "No need."
The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat and immediately sinks into the cold waters.
The priest looks at the minister and says "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"
Mr. and Mrs Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely.
One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.
“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?”
“I’m marrying a Russet!”
“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”
As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up.
“Mother, I too, have an announcement.”
“And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”
“You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”
“I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter.
“An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and exciting plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.
“Mother? Mother Potato, Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.”
“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her,
“I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”
“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement.
“All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray do tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?”
"I'm marrying Sean Hannity"
"Sean Hannity?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”